# Gift Wrapping by Dave Barry



## Leslie (Feb 28, 2007)

This has been around for years but, makes me laugh everytime I read it. Since 'tis the season... Hope you enjoy it! ~Leslie

Gift Wrapping by Dave Barry

Nothing says festive like yard bags under the tree!
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men-Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb-went to see 
the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented
unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no

mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
"And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper.

"And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the
Snowman.

"And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth
unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next

year!'

"And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs.

"And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for
example, the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people
giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting 
paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is
not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
survey 
of two guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever
wraps 
a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there 
when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who
told 
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than
15 
seconds per gift.

"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can 
never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck
of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the
size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I 
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient
Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body
would 
be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women,
actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close
to 
being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my
wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills-like having 
babies-that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I
am 
presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the 
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.

The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make
your 
own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple
sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and 
liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on
it. 
This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky 
recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,
or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special
time of year, is that you save the receipt.


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## Havtahava (Aug 20, 2006)

LOL! Funny thing is that my husband is an amazing gift wrapper. I just tuck the corners and try to make it look neat without using a whole bunch of tape. My husband will perfectly fold each end on the seam so you can't even tell where it goes and he uses double-stick tape so you the paper isn't ruined with the strip of extra sheen. I like to ask him to wrap the gifts I've purchased for other people too.


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## Guest (Dec 18, 2007)

Leslie..that was too cute! 

Kimberly..your husband must be a design engineer...


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## mckennasedona (Feb 20, 2007)

Funny! My DH falls into the "I hate to wrap presents" category. Unfortunately, so do I. I personally think gift bags and colored tissue paper were the best holiday inventions ever! I guess the reason I don't like to do it is because I'm not very creative with it. I do fine with wrapping it and putting ribbon on in the standard way and popping a bow on top. Anything more than that and I'm lost. My sister does amazing things with gift wrap though.
My MIL used to put ribbon around the box or a bow on top and dispense with any wrapping paper whatsoever.


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## havaluv (Oct 15, 2007)

LOL, this is so cute.  I like wrapping gifts, my hubby would just hand his over in the bag from the store if I let him.


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## irnfit (Nov 21, 2006)

I never read that before. It is hysterical. ound:


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## JanB (Oct 26, 2007)

ROTFL!! This is so timely! Because of my surgery last week I had to finish all my shopping early but nothing is wrapped. I just told my DH earlier today that he had to wrap the presents and he looked at me blankly and said they were all going in gift bags with tissue paper. And frankly, this year, with the way I feel, I don't care! LOL!

I just had DH read this and he laughed and said "that's me!" ound:

Think of it this way. Gift bags are the ultimate "green" way to wrap because they can be recycled 

Thanks for the laugh!


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## good buddy (Feb 20, 2007)

I love Dave Berry! That is so funny! We wrap things here but none of us are really into it. I paid my daughter to wrap one year and the packages looked fabulous! She really gets into the ribbons and such!


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## Gableshavs (Jun 19, 2007)

We're so lucky Dave Barry lives in my community.He does volunteer work for Fellowship House, an oasis for adults with serious emotional disabilities. He's a really good person also a wonderful writer.
Paula


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## Lina (Apr 26, 2007)

That was really funny, Leslie! It describes my fiance to a T. The first gift he ever gave me was wrapped in newspaper! Now he doesn't even wrap them at all. Usually my sister has to intervene for any of it to be wrapped.


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## Leslie (Feb 28, 2007)

Christy~ My daughter is wonderfully creative with wrapping gifts. She totally puts us all to shame. I've paid her in the past to wrap my gifts, but now that she has 3 children under 6 yr. old, she's doing good to get her own done! 

Paula~ I'm jealous! I love his writing. It's good to know he has such a good heart. Makes me like him even more!


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## good buddy (Feb 20, 2007)

Leslie said:


> Christy~ My daughter is wonderfully creative with wrapping gifts. She totally puts us all to shame. I've paid her in the past to wrap my gifts, but now that she has 3 children under 6 yr. old, she's doing good to get her own done!


OK I'm jealous! YOU HAVE GRANDCHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Poornima (Jun 29, 2007)

I love Dave Barry. This one is so cute once again. I used to enjoy Erma Bombeck too. Very cute and funny. Thanks for sharing!


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