# can any of you help me with my grieving daughter



## Lizzie'sMom (Oct 13, 2010)

My daughter is 19 and this weekend her friend was killed in a car crash out of state. She spent Saturday with her group of friends and Easter Sunday with us. She is now back at school and is really having a hard time dealing with this. Truth be told, so am I. I have been crying for 3 days now and I need to not cry when she calls. I also really don't know what to say. The hurt is not going to go away overnight. When she called me she was sitting on a bench in the lot next to her sorority house. 

She is very good friends with this boy. She is feeling bad because the last time she saw him was at Christmas break. She wishes she could have said good bye and of course she is wondering why this had to happen. 

I got all the information about grief counseling at her school and she said that she might go after class tomorrow. She just wants to be home. She has finals in a couple of weeks and I am hoping that she can focus enough to keep her grades up.

I have never known someone to die so tragically and I really want to be strong for her and help her.


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## Carefulove (Mar 20, 2009)

Lynne, I don't really know much about grieving, but wanted to say that I am deeply sorry!

For what I have heard and read, crying is good, allowing your mind the time and means to grieve is good.


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## CarolWCamelo (Feb 15, 2012)

*Kubla-Ross; On Death and Dying*

That book is a classic, and might be of some assistance to you, though it's old as the hills. You might investigate what else your local public library has on the subject. You could also ask the reference librarian for assistance locating useful materials.

GOOD idea to use grief counseling at the school; please really encourage your daughter to go.

I'm so very sorry for your daughter's loss, and for the boy's family and other friends. No question; it's really hard. It's so senseless.

One aspect is, it's difficult if you feel you have to fight your crying; and fighting it makes it more difficult to stop crying. There are times when unashamed crying is good.

Mon, 9 Apr 2012 12:43:10 (PDT)


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## lkwilson (Mar 6, 2011)

Hi Lynne, I'm so sorry to hear that.... My son lost his best friend last year. Although he did come home and grieve with his high school group (they were all devastated as were all of us parents) and speak at his service, he did have to go back to school and I think that helped actually. 

He spent time with his friends, told them about Kellan and even this year when some of his old friends came to visit his new friends knew how important Kellan had been to him and his friends.

But the best thing was that he had a new life that he had created at school and I think it was better for all of them that they got to back to their new lives instead of being here. 

So my advice I guess is to look to her new friends for comfort, time does heal although it took a long time for Sam. And I did cry with Sam on the phone, I didn't hold back how could we, he was like a brother to Sam and a son to me. Still tear up now just thinking about him.

take care, Laura


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

The same thing happened to me in collage. My friend was on a rafting trip and dove of a rock and hit bottom and broke his neck and drowned. And then later in life my best friend died of cancer its a hard thing to have happen. I'm sorry she lost her friend it will just take time. Collage is hard enough during finals. The grieving counselor is a really good idea. I hope she can pull it together to study. Is spring brake after that?


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## ShirleyH (Sep 13, 2009)

Hi Lynne, I am so sorry for your daughter's (and his own family's) untimely loss. On Death and Dying is a great book. Know that grief must pass through stages and anger is one of them. Right now your daughter may be just overwhelmed with many things in her school life. She might feel guilt at not seeing her friend before he died. Talking to a grief counselor could help tremendously. All of her emotions are natural.

Keeper's Mom


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## curly_DC (Nov 27, 2011)

Maybe a grief counselor at school can help. It's possible she can get a note from a medical doctor or a school counselor to come home and reschedule her finals. She can take an "incomplete" and take the finals later. 

Some college professors are understanding and some aren't, so check the school policies. There's nothing wrong with her coming home if she's never dealt with this before.

If her friends and family are grieving, it will be challenging to comfort each other. I would suggest she speak with a grief counselor soon.


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## Lizzie'sMom (Oct 13, 2010)

She is feeling very guilty about not seeing him before his death as well as wondering how she can go through her daily routine as if it is normal. They went through stages where they kind of dated, then he liked her and she didn't, and she liked him and he didn't. She told me that she hopes he knew how she felt about him. I know she was very excited to see him in two weeks. 

She wants to be home with her HS friends, but I told her it might not be good for them to all sit around wallowing in grief. She does have a good friend from high school at college that could not hang out with her tonight, but is going to tomorrow after classes. I will try to get her to go to the grief counselor.


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## TilliesMom (Sep 30, 2010)

I am so sorry for you and your daughters loss Lynne ((((HUGS))))
I wish there was something someone could say to make things easier or better, but sadly there isn't. It is a process and unfortunatly some of the feelings will never go away.
I lost my dad suddenly recently and as time goes on it actually gets harder not easier... everyone says "time will heal" but for me it seems time hurts because my kids are growing up, I am living my life and while my dad was here I never took the time to let him know how important he was to me. Now I will never get that chance. I miss him more than I could have ever imagined. The guilt is horrible. The 'what ifs' ... I struggle, wishing I could have KNOWN somehow, could have called him and let him know I loved him and forgave him, wish I could have said goodbye. Wish I could hear his voice one last time.

I hope your daughter will be able to forgive herself and move on knowing that there was no way she could have known what would happen. I also highly agree with her getting some greif counciling... (((HUGS)))


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## Brady's mom (Dec 1, 2006)

I am so sorry to hear what happened and what your daughter is going through! I am a School Guidance Counselor. My best advice is to encourage her to talk to the counselors there. Unfortunately, it is going to take time for her (and you) to come to terms to what has happened. She needs to know that she can be sad and grieve and it will take some time for her to go t through the stages of grieving. You are doing everything right by being there for her and encouraging her to talk about it.


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## Luciledodd (Sep 5, 2009)

Tammy I know what you mean. I miss my mother every day and she was 2 months shy of 90 when she died. The hardest thing is that no one will let a newly grieving person talk about how they feel. Everyone wants them to go on and not cry etc. I learned a long time ago that the best think I could do for a grieving friend was to wait a week or so, when everyone else quits coming, and then go and get them started about their loved one and how he or she died and how they felt. The main thing is to just listen--never say those platitudes--agree with them about how it hurts, etc. Don't make the mistake of telling them that it gets easier, we don't know so we just let them say or weep and we provide the tissues.


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## andra (Aug 23, 2010)

I think it is important to understand, and to explain when the time is right, that when a person experiences a loss, there is a "new normal." Time does not heal everything, instead a new normal is formed and a person adjusts to this, sometimes slowly and painfully, sometimes not as long....the road for everyone is very different.

Listening to your daughter is wonderful, being there for her, just checking in and allowing her to pace her disclosures is a wonderful way to be of a support. And when she is ready, talking about the friend that she lost, asking about what he was like, what she has learned from her relationship with him, what has changed within her from knowing him and then to ask what interested him and then maybe together (and with the help of his friends/family) coming up with a way to honor his memory. Either collecting or raising money for a cause that meant something to him, maybe doing a yearly volunteer project together in his memory, maybe planting flowers that return every year......let your daughter take the lead and you the support.

As everyone has said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve and K. Ross's book is an excellent resource as it really validates the message that grief is a process.

And finally, there are lessons to be learned from all of this and this is something you can talk to your daughter ongoingly about. And implementing the lessons is another way to honor the friend she lost.

I will keep you both in my prayers. And also for the other HF members who are still grieving losses.


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## curly_DC (Nov 27, 2011)

As for taking the incomplete for her classes, I forgot that most colleges have bereavement policies only for the immediate family. It may not be an option for her to take an incomplete.


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

Hi Lynne,

I'm so sorry for your daughter's loss and your own. I don't have much to add that others haven't already, but I did want you to know I'm thinking about both of you, and the boy's family.


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## nlb (Feb 26, 2012)

Lynne, 

Hugs to you. It's going to take a long while for her to adjust. Don't be afraid to share your concerns and feelings with her.


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## Thumper (Feb 18, 2007)

Hugs :grouphug:

I don't have any real fabulous words of wisdom, even though I feel like I should because I have been around grieving more than the average person ((I grew up in a funeral home..a real life "Claire" in 6 feet under that show) And I saw so many different reactions and so many people would say the wrong things, with good intentions, but grieving is such an individual process, I think all you can really do is be there to listen, hug and help them through it however they need you to at that particular moment, whether it is a hug, or baking a Lasagna to take over, or just listening to their stories and memories of the loved one.

Kara


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## Lizzie'sMom (Oct 13, 2010)

Well, DD came home today and she and some friends went to N's parents house. They were there for 2 hours. I think it helped them all. His parents are flying down tomorrow to take care of things and to attend a memorial service at his college. No one can figure out why he did not have his seatbelt on. He always made everyone wear theirs. 

She has a paper due soon and is going to talk to her TA. She said she just cannot focus. At least she was smiling when talking about him today. She did say that she had hoped they would come home after college grown up and could be together. That was heartbreaking.


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## The Laughing Magpie (Aug 20, 2009)

My heart goes out to both you and your daughter. I would say more but, I have a friend who died last week of lyme after a long battle (the CDC still says no deaths from lyme) and the president of the dog traing club I belong to and a wonderful person and friend has C-Diff and it is not looking good she is back in the hospital with kidney failure and they say maybe a few days left. What I will say is; I remember reading this was your daughters first big loss, the first is always hard, it never gets eaiser but, I truely believe we are gifted with coping tools with each loss, big or small, and they will help us thru out life. I agree with what some of the others have said, for me the hurt really never went away but I have learned to live in peace with my feelings. You and your daughter together have suffered a tragic loss someone so young and suddenly...no time for good byes. Please help your daughter put one foot forward and work through this, none of us know how many days we have, you and your daughter must make the most of the time you have on this earth, long or short in the end its the days that matter. Thinking of you...Hugs.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

I'm glad she got to go visit with his family. I took a grieving class once and their are three stages. First is sadness then anger and the third is acceptance. For me I went threw the first two back and forth it just took some time before I was able to accept and not feel so depressed. Its harder when a friend is so young it's not suppose to be that way. The feeling is like you haven't slept in days like a huge weight is on your shoulders.It helped me to talk at my friends wake I hope she will get to go.


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## Lizzie'sMom (Oct 13, 2010)

Robbie, I am so sorry about your friends. A boy in my daughter's class had C-Diff. Luckily, he is on the mend.


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## StarrLhasa (Jun 6, 2010)

Lynn:

I am so very sorry for your loss. To lose someone so suddenly and so senselessly makes it all the more difficult to cope with. 

You have been very good advice by the previous posters. One thing I might suggest is for you to seek grief counselling for yourself as you are trying to handle both your daughter's grief and your own.

If you belong to a church or temple, the minister or rabbi can provide some counselling, or there might be a grief support group that you could sit in on for a few sessions.

As Andra said, you will be developing and living with your new normal, one day at a time.

Sending best wishes for you and your daughter. I hope she will be able to concentrate on her studies. That can be very helpful as a distraction.


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## StarrLhasa (Jun 6, 2010)

Luciledodd said:


> Tammy I know what you mean. I miss my mother every day and she was 2 months shy of 90 when she died. The hardest thing is that no one will let a newly grieving person talk about how they feel. Everyone wants them to go on and not cry etc. I learned a long time ago that the best think I could do for a grieving friend was to wait a week or so, when everyone else quits coming, and then go and get them started about their loved one and how he or she died and how they felt. The main thing is to just listen--never say those platitudes--agree with them about how it hurts, etc. Don't make the mistake of telling them that it gets easier, we don't know so we just let them say or weep and we provide the tissues.


Lucille:

This is excellent advice. Many people feel so awkward about what to say or not to say that they actually avoid the bereaved so they don't have to say anything.

Listening to or even just sitting quietly with a grieving person can be so helpful.

Thanks.


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## gelbergirl (Jun 9, 2007)

Very sorry to hear about this loss. I think it is difficult at this age, and especially the age of the deceased.
One thing I remember is that the grieving want to be heard. Did not read throughout he entire thread but sounds like she has good support with friends etc (and his family too?)


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## PotatoHeads (Apr 15, 2012)

So very sorry for yours and your daughter's loss. I work at a mental health outpatient facility and find many times for people just having someone to talk to helps. If she feels like she cannot talk to family and friends, a grief counselor could be good, or even just a counselor (who doesn't specialize). Many times though the best remedy for grief is time and love.


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## pjewel (Apr 11, 2007)

I feel for you, your daughter and all the people who loved her friend. There is no greater tragedy than losing someone before what we perceive as their time. Everyone is right. Grieving is a process, and it takes time. I would encourage your daughter to talk when she feels like it, and just be there for her when she can't. I would also encourage her to speak to him, letting him know all the things she's feeling. It may help her to give voice to it.

The hardest part of an untimely (or even not) death, is replaying the what ifs and dealing with the unfinished business. Sending hugs in your and her direction as you navigate this difficult road.


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## Lizzie'sMom (Oct 13, 2010)

Geri, You are right-it's the what ifs and not having seen him since New Year's Eve. Plus the feelings she had for him. 

Last Friday she and 4 friends drove through to Florida for his memorial at his college. They were home Monday morning at 7am. They helped his parents go through his dorm room and met his friends there. The second memorial is this Saturday. Some of his friends are flying up and staying here. I am hoping that after these two weeks she can start healing. My 3 girls and I are going to Disney in June. She was so excited to go (19 and loves it there) now she is afraid all she will think about is N as he was going to meet up with us there since he was still going to be at school.

His mom just called me this afternoon and I felt so bad because I started to cry. We've never met, but she said once everything quiets down she would like to meet and talk.


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## pjewel (Apr 11, 2007)

Lynne, don't feel bad about crying with his mother on the phone. It probably was helpful to her, giving her the freedom to express whatever she needed to, and to release her own emotions. Sometimes in the beginning, those closest to the one who passed, are living in a cocoon of shock. It is, in its own way, insulating. She will really need help when the hubbub is all over. God bless them all.


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## Iris (Jan 2, 2012)

so sorry yo hear about your loss. My son's best friend died in a car accident several years ago. I don't have any words of wisdom. It is all so senseless. My son and his friends still keep a tribute yo Danny on their Facebook pages and his icon is a picture of Danny & his girlfriend out with my son & his wife the last time they were all together. So for him, it helps to always remember the fun times.


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