# Feeling Like a Horrible Mother



## Havanese0330 (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi everyone

We got our rescue puppy on Saturday and he will be 13 weeks old on Wednesday. On the first day, he was very weary of us (my husband and I), and just wanted to do his own thing. Slowly, he started to warm up to us and started coming closer and closer to us, it was always on his terms. 

Fast forward to today, and he is always at my feet, always following me. Right now as I type this, he is laying on my feet. I think it is cute, but I know he needs to learn to be alone. At night, he sleeps in our room, in his crate (which is a plastic one, not very big). He whines a little, but if I put my fingers in the crate, he will stop. He holds it until 3:30 and then again until 6:00. He seems to be becoming very attached to me to the point where he will whine if I go in the basement or am out of his sight. 

Well, today I had to run an errand and decided to leave him in a safe area of the house with a baby gate up and his crate inside, water for him to drink, and his favorite Kong filled with food. I didn't make a big deal of leaving. 

This is where the horrible mother part comes in: I was gone no more than 15 minutes, but I am pretty sure he was barking and crying the entire time. When I returned, he had spilled his water and was wet pretty much from head to toe and shivering. I felt horrible, and actually cried because I felt so badly. I am pretty sure he peed too, but it mixed with the water so I am not 100% sure. I took out of the room, and brought him outside where I wiped him down with his puppy wipes. He fell right asleep as I was washing him and is still sleeping, of course, on my feet. 

What can my husband and I do to make him more comfortable? I cannot bear to think what he will do this weekend when we are at a family party and will be gone for a few hours. I know some people will suggest taking him with, but he NEEDS to learn to be alone, but I am scared for him. Was I wrong to leave him alone? My husband thinks I am crazy for crying and thinks it was harder for me than him--but he just looked SO VERY sad!


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## TilliesMom (Sep 30, 2010)

awwwwwww ((HUGS)) you are NOT a horrible mother!!
and you ARE right, they DO need to learn that it is OKAY to alone for awhile.
I would suggest next time you leave him, to put him in his CRATE as opposed to the x-pen and leave him with a puppy kong filled with YUMMY stuff ... just leave him for 10-15 minutes and come back, do NOT let him out if he is whining or yipping or anything, wait for him to calm down.
Continue to do this bits at a time and he should do okay.
It IS a process though so try to be patient with your puppy AND with yourself!!!!
He might not be ready to be left for hours at a time by THIS weekend. In that case, personally I WOULD take him if at all possible. If he gets left for too long in these early stages it can make him MORE likely to freak out every time he gets left, not knowing WHEN you are coming back, IF you are coming back ... just a thought... 

oh and p.s. my 1 yr old hav still follows me everywhere and she WILL flip out if we are out and about and I have to go somewhere for even 1 minute without her, leaving her with my husband... although I can pleasantly leave her in her crate, giving her a kongand know that she will be fine while we are gone for up to 4-5 hours at a time... she knows she is SAFE in her crate and that we WILL be back!
I tried the x-pen with the potty pads, etc when she was about 3-4 months old and it was a BUST, she learned to jump out of the x-pen within days and was excitedly waiting by the front door when I got home! LOL


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## LeighaMason (Dec 16, 2010)

You should probably hire a babysitter for this weekend, just a teenager that you can trust to watch him while you are gone. BUT for long term, start a leaving ritual that you practice several times a day. 

The first time, put him in his place, get your keys, walk out the door, count to 3 and come back in, if he is quiet, have a party and tell him good boy. Next time do it again and count to 5, then 10, then 30 seconds, then start the car, then back out and pull back in, then go around the block, be gone 5 min, then 10 etc. ALWAYS come back with a party if he is quiet, and repeat the step if he isn't. Eventually make the time longer and longer, he will learn that you will come back. It takes time but it is worth it. 

Sugarbaby goes to work with me and home at night so we are together a lot so she became overly attached and I had to use this technique to make her more confident of staying alone.


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

I agree with Tammy. You are absolutely right that he eventually needs to be alone. But he has only been with you a couple of days and he is VERY young still. I agree with Tammy that in his crate for 15 minutes (without the water... he doesn't need it for that length of time) is great in the beginning, though I wouldn't feel any urgency about starting even that in the first couple of weeks. You can start getting him used to separation just by putting him in his crate when you need to take a shower or go to the bathroom. (though many of us have Havs that follow us into the bathroom too!:biggrin1 Work up to longer periods of time.

But as Tammy said, I think several hours already this weekend is too much too soon. You could end up creating separation anxiety rather than teaching him that it's OK to be alone. When a dog (or child) gets too upset, all learning stops.

Also, remember that your pup, though still young enough that in many ways you can treat him like any other young puppy also has the extra problems of being a rescue puppy. He hasn't had the security and good upbringing that a puppy from a good breeder would have had. So he may need a little extra TLC to start with. He'll get there!!!


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## StarrLhasa (Jun 6, 2010)

Welcome to the forum. There will undoubtedly be others chiming in, but I have to put in my 2 cents worth.

He is just a *Little Baby * right now. His surroundings are new, your family is new, the smells and textures are new. Being a Velcro dog, attaching himself to you as you are his primary caregiver and soother, is only natural for him.

Tammy's suggestions are very good, as are Leigha's and Karen's. Little steps.

You may be lucky, and he won't develop Separation Anxiety. My boy, Buster was also a rescue at 5 months old and was used to being around 36 + other dogs all the time. [He was from a puppy mill situation.] That was 11 months ago, and he is still very much a Velcro dog, a Mama's boy, in fact,

Even though he has his Hav "sister," Buffy, to be with, if I have to go outside to do some chores, for instance, he barks continuously to protest that he is not near me. I am currently trying some calming methods with him, including a Thundershirt and down/stay training, and hope to see some improvement.

Our girl, adopted from a shelter at 9 - 10 months old 14 months ago, came with Separation Anxiety and has improved tremendously.

Take your puppy to puppy kindergarten classes if at all possible to socialize him and for you to get training feedback from the instructor. Search this forum for Separation Anxiety [abbreviated as SA much of the time].

Enjoy his puppy-hood because it goes by fast. Oh, and please post photos so we can enjoy your puppy vicariously.


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## Kathie (Jul 31, 2008)

I would put an old t-shirt of yours that you have worn in the crate with him to help him feel safe. I wouldn't worry too much about the whining when you go into another room without him. McGee did that at first and it is slowly tapering off. I think it is a puppy thing - just like a baby they don't want to be alone!


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

LeighaMason said:


> You should probably hire a babysitter for this weekend, just a teenager that you can trust to watch him while you are gone. BUT for long term, start a leaving ritual that you practice several times a day.
> 
> The first time, put him in his place, get your keys, walk out the door, count to 3 and come back in, if he is quiet, have a party and tell him good boy. Next time do it again and count to 5, then 10, then 30 seconds, then start the car, then back out and pull back in, then go around the block, be gone 5 min, then 10 etc. ALWAYS come back with a party if he is quiet, and repeat the step if he isn't. Eventually make the time longer and longer, he will learn that you will come back. It takes time but it is worth it.


I agree with the leaving part of this, but NOT with the "have a party" when you return. I want my dog to remain calm and quiet upon my return. I completely ignore Kodi as I come in, hang up my coat and put down whatever I'm carrying. Then I go give him a quick, QUIET greeting and go about my business. When he was younger, if he seemed to REALLY need my attention, I would spend a few minutes doing some training with him. (with a little puppy, that can be as simple as a series of "puppy push-ups" (sit, down, sit, down...). Having you come back is worth the wait in and of itself. There is no need to rev them up with a "party" as well.


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## LeighaMason (Dec 16, 2010)

"Having a party" as in reinforcing the behavior that you want with attention and affection as opposed to ignoring the behavior which does not send the signal that he is doing the right thing, waiting quietly and patiently.


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## davetgabby (Dec 29, 2007)

Very important to work on this properly and asap. I just finished this book this past weekend and it's the best book I've read on separation anixety. I strongly recommend it. This is or can be a very difficult issue to deal with. Here's the book if you're interested. http://www.dogwise.com/ItemDetails.cfm?ID=DTB1179 Many trainers find it everybit as challlenging as aggression issues as far as trying to help owners goes. You don't want to use a crate unless he is already accustomed to it and being ALONE. We're talking seconds not minutes or hours. Not a good idea to leave him that long yet.


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

LeighaMason said:


> "Having a party" as in reinforcing the behavior that you want with attention and affection as opposed to ignoring the behavior which does not send the signal that he is doing the right thing, waiting quietly and patiently.


Maybe it is semantics, but to me, "have a party" sounds like a wild, joyous type greeting. IMO, this is likely to lead AWAY from the puppy waiting quietly and patiently. In no way did I suggest that you should ignore the behavior you are trying to reinforce. But a quiet soft greeting with a pleasant voice and gentle stroking is STILL a strong positive reinforcer for a dog who has been missing you.


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## Havanese0330 (Jun 19, 2011)

Thank you for all the advice and words of encouragement. Wrigley sleeps in his crate at night, which I mentioned is a plastic travel crate. At night, I put a shirt of mine with him and he loves to nuzzle his nose against it. Last night he woke up at about midnight and then slept until 6:15!  I was thrilled! He doesn't go in his crate unless it is time for bed, though. I've put it out for him during the day and he is more interested in chewing on the latches than going in it and taking a nap. Is it a problem that I am moving his crate? His favorite place to nap is on my feet, although last night he did manage to snuggle with us on the couch...I guess he forgave us for leaving him, but I swear his mood changed drastically.

I have no idea what to do this weekend because the party we are going to has a dog that just had surgery, so I don't think bringing him will be a good idea, and there is really no one to watch him as mostly everyone we know will be at this party.

Tomorrow, I have my last class for the summer and will be leaving the house at about 4:30, my husband will be home at 5:00 so we thought we could just put him in the crate until he gets home. My fear is that if I do put him in his crate and leave him, he will really hurt himself trying to get out of it especially if he acts like he did behind the baby gate. I thought he would feel better having more room, but I guess not.

As for being a rescue puppy, you can definitely tell he was not socialized properly, but I do see a big difference in how he reacts to us compared to Saturday. He is not so jumpy when we walk toward him and we can actually pet him, most of the time, but we still have to be on his level for the most part. Yesterday, he found a mirror and started "growling" at his reflection, but he wouldn't leave that spot, I think he thought he had a canine friend because he kept going back to the mirror, and he NEVER leaves my side. DH and I are thinking of getting a kitten to keep him company--I wonder if it will help him.

I am sorry this is SO long, I am so grateful I have this resource at my disposal! I am sure I will have thousands of other questions--like how much is he supposed to eat? The rescue said to feed him 1/2 cup of Royal Canin puppy food is the morning and at night, but I'm lucky if he even eats 1/4 cup in a day. He is a tiny guy too, only 4 pounds. I changed his bowl and that seemed to help him eat out of it because he before he wanted nothing to do with his bowl and would only eat out of his Kong. I use his food for training too because he doesn't treats, except apples. I just hope he is getting enough food, DH says if he's hungry, he'll eat. I am such a worry wart!

Finally, here are some pictures of him! You can see his crate in the background.


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## Kathie (Jul 31, 2008)

What an adorable little guy and cute as a button! I would try the crate when leaving. Our dogs stay in their crates while we're gone with no problem. Cesar Millan says the small crate makes them feel secure, too. It sounds to me like he is adjusting well since you haven't had him long at all.


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## morriscsps (Aug 17, 2010)

OH my Gosh! He is SO cute! I love his mustache. He looks like a mischievous little kid with one of those fake mustache. I need to hug him. 

Everyone gave terrific advice. I will add to the homecoming part. We makes sure to say, hi, to the humans first and ignore the beasties until they are calm.... unless of course they are just too cute. I fall prey to cuteness a lot.


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## clare (Feb 6, 2010)

Oh he is as cute as a button!You have had lots of good advice,don't get over whelmed by it all,as it is very early days and things will work out just fine,because he obviously sees you as his leader and will want to please you,so he needs to learn what it is that you want from him.So slowly and gently!Good luck.


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

He is adorable! I agree that he will probably be happier and more at ease in his crate than in a larger space, especially since he is already use to it. There really isn't much he can hurt himself on inside the crate... that's why we use them!

I'd take him AND the crate to your party. That way, you can have him near you, in the crate, and he can't possibly bother the other dog. It may be that you have to cut your time at the party shorter than you would otherwise... That's just one of the adjustments you have to make when you have a small puppy. Just like a human baby, while they are very small, you have to make some sacrifices so that they will be a better pet when they are older!

As far as the food is concerned, 1 cup of food per day is a LOT for a puppy of that size. Kodi grew up on Royal Canin Mini Puppy, but he got a scant 1/4c 3 times a day when we first got him at 11 weeks, and very quickly dropped the mid-day meal of his own choice. And he was quite a bit bigger than your puppy... 6 lbs at 11 weeks! Now, as an adult dog, he eats a rounded 1/4c twice a day and is at the perfect weight for his size.

Your hubby is right... a healthy puppy won't starve himself. And in you pup's case, it sounds to me that he's telling you that he doesn't need all the food you are offering him.


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## Lizzie'sMom (Oct 13, 2010)

I concur-he is simply adorable!!! I agree with Karen. I would take him in the crate. He is just a baby and this is good socialization for him. So what if he is held all day-I think it would be good for him.


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## Sissygirl (Aug 8, 2007)

Oh he is just sooo cute! I know how this tugs at your heart strings. I was the same way with my Sissy.

He is so young and just learning about this new experience of having someone loving and wonderful to him - and he likes it!!! He doesn't want this to quit.

When Sissy was really young like him - I always found a sitter for her. We had teenage girls in my neighborhood, people from my church, family, etc. Since this is so quick and he is struggling with being alone I would recommend getting someone to stay with him and then start working on leaving him for small amounts of time. Even when she was 2 years old when my daughter got married we were still hiring sitters for Sissy.

We are going away this week and my mom is going to stay with Sissy.

Sissy is just my baby and I didn't want her to be upset. She is now 6 years old - stays by herself for about 4 hours at a time now and has the run of the house. She does great.


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## morriscsps (Aug 17, 2010)

Great idea!! Bring him and the crate. Do you have a expen yet? If it is a nice day, you could set it up and put him and his crate inside. That way he can come out and visit, then dash back in when he gets overwhelmed.

If you do bring him, bring treats so people can QUIETLY say hello. Avoid the high pitched squealing baby talk.

It will be fun... and stressfull.


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## Havanese0330 (Jun 19, 2011)

I love that idea of bringing him along. We don't have an ex-pen yet though. I don't want to overwhelm him because there will close to 60 people there and he had a hard time with 4 visitors the other night, but I know he needs the socialization. If we can't bring him, hopefully we can find someone to sit with him for a little bit.  DH's family are cat lovers, but maybe I can convince one of them? Regardless, I am sure we will be leaving early. 

I took some suggestions and today while I took a shower, I put Wrigley in his crate with his Kong full of goodies. He was so good and when I came out, he was just laying there--quiet as can be, licking the door of the crate. Lots of praise for being a good boy. DH is actually works from home on Tuesdays, so I took the opportunity to go shopping for a little bit so he would get used to not always having me around. DH said he whined a little, then eventually just fell asleep. The greeting I received when I returned was all kisses and some nips, of course, for good measure. I missed him so much! Now he's sleeping again, where else, but under my feet. 

He's going to have a play-date tomorrow with my mom's dog, so he should be nice and tired by the time I have to go to class. He'll probably be excited to see another canine friend.


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

Havanese0330 said:


> I took some suggestions and today while I took a shower, I put Wrigley in his crate with his Kong full of goodies. He was so good and when I came out, he was just laying there--quiet as can be, licking the door of the crate. Lots of praise for being a good boy. DH is actually works from home on Tuesdays, so I took the opportunity to go shopping for a little bit so he would get used to not always having me around. DH said he whined a little, then eventually just fell asleep. The greeting I received when I returned was all kisses and some nips, of course, for good measure.


That's a VERY good sign. It sounds like, more than anything else, he was just overwhelmed by being alone in a big space. I have to tell you that even at 2, Kodi is MUCH happier in his crate & ex-pen when we aren't home than he is loose. If we leave him loose (just to see what he'll do) we always come home to find that he has gone into his crate on his own, and is waiting for us there. He just feels cozy and safe there!


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## The Laughing Magpie (Aug 20, 2009)

Your puppy is too adorable, that little face must melt your heart everytime you look. You have gotten lots of great advice, just remember each dog is different and nothing is set in stone, go slow. Do remember if you have an emergency and will be gone for sometime (I don't mean everyday) or an undetermined amount of time, the crate is at this time the safest place for your pup. 

None of my dogs have or have had SA and probably a good part of the reason is that the others before them did not, they do not like us to leave but they tolerate it. My girl Misty was very shy, unsocialized with people at three when we brought her home a year ago, I use to let the dogs have the run of the house when I was gone, Misty was not comfortable with so much space so now they're all in the kitchen (I have added three pillows) when I leave. I did not use a crate with Misty as she would have never came out, so a few months ago I had to train her to tolerate it, by taking her to Yogi's class and leaving here in it, she destroyed three nice soft sided crates, so now she is in a small carry on plastic one with a latch (she is an escape artist) she is doing great finally (also it is harder when the other dog is out having all the fun in class). I am trying to say sometimes it takes awhile to get things right, you're never a bad doggy mom if you keep trying. Somehow I know you will. Congrats on your new pup.


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## waybrook (Sep 13, 2009)

Your new baby is so cute - its tough to take when they are that cute and unhappy!

We still put Panda in her xpen when we leave and she's 2. She just does better - she feels safe and I know that she can't get hurt while we're gone. We started out with the x-pen attached to her crate creating a bed and play area with her potty pads in case we were delayed in getting home. The longest we left her at the beginning was an hour and she did ok. Now she is good for about 5 hours (but that is VERY infrequently).

Good luck - patience is the key with these babies - they seem to need more reassurance and closeness than other breeds I've had....


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## davetgabby (Dec 29, 2007)

LeighaMason said:


> "Having a party" as in reinforcing the behavior that you want with attention and affection as opposed to ignoring the behavior which does not send the signal that he is doing the right thing, waiting quietly and patiently.


Sorry for the late response . Go for three days holidays, and more than 200 emails to catch up on. Does anyone have problems of not being notified of responses to a post that your subscribed to.?? Anyway I have to agree with Karen on the "party" idea. 
You can't reward the dog once you are HOME for being calm while you are GONE. All this will do is teach the dog to get aroused in anticipation of your arrival and then become more aroused due to your excited greeting. One of the objectives of an SA program is to remove excitement from comings and goings. As for rewarding good behavior while you we gone...if it's not effective to punish accidents and/or destruction after the fact, it is also ineffective to reward after the fact. Reinforcement and punishment are time sensitive. They have to follow in close proximity.


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