# Shama's Mama's Mama



## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

My mother has never liked dogs. Because she loved my dad and her three daughters, we were allowed to have dogs as children anyway. She does not care for Shama, but she loves me. (My dad loves Shama, and DH's parents are WILD about Shama!)

Enough about Shama. Please stop reading now if you only want to think about Havanese.

I am wondering if any of you have experience with vascular dementia or could direct me to good resources. My parents are both 82, and my dad has been my mom's primary caregiver since November 2018 when my mom suffered an aortic dissection followed by emergency open heart surgery. She was physically fit as a fiddle prior to her heart issues, and we were told by the surgeon that her heart was strong (it was the aorta that was damaged) and that she'd make a full recovery unless she was in the 10% of people who also suffer a stroke or strokes at some point in the trauma of the aortic dissection and surgery.

As you can guess, she suffered a stroke and/or mini strokes. Her mobility is seriously compromised, but she can get around with cane/walker/wheelchair, and she can go up and down stairs to access the only bathrooms in her house. The worst thing physically is that she's got this eye pain that prevents her from reading for any length of time.

Emotionally, she had depression prior to November 2018, and for a while after her surgery, it appeared to be GONE! Now it's back along with anxiety.

Erratic behavior and a suspected UTI (the main symptom of a UTI in an elderly person is confusion) brought her to the emergency room on New Year's Eve, and now we've been told that she has vascular (stroke-related) dementia. The doctor will not allow her to go home as he thinks she's a danger to herself. She has to go to a memory facility. Hopefully she'll go to the one attached to the hospital which is probably not even two miles from my parents' house.

If you have any info on vascular dementia and/or memory care, please share. 

Another complicated aspect of this story is that my mother has expressed regret at her decision to get in the helicopter and go to the U of MN for her surgery. She has shared that she wishes she'd died. Many times since, she's said she wished she could just be dead. My dad wishes she could get hospice care. The problem is that she's not actually dying. She just wishes she were dead.

I am the optimist in the family who prefers to focus on all the times that she's not talking about dying or being dead. I think she still has plenty to live for!

Sorry for the downer. If you have my email address from the virtual play date, you could email me instead of posting here. I'm sorry that my PM box is full. I'll clear out some messages when I have time, but I don't know when that will be. I'm supposed to have a week's worth of lesson plans for all my classes posted in less than 90 minutes.

Also, please send healing thoughts to my friend's brother Scott. He is in the hospital with COVID. He's 51 and married with children aged 23, 21, and 18.

I won't be back in the forum until after school today.

HAVE A GREAT DAY, DEAR FORUM FRIENDS!


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## mudpuppymama (Mar 24, 2012)

ShamaMama, I am very sorry to hear about your mother. I have no experience with vascular dementia but just wanted to offer sympathy, thoughts and prayers.


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## Molly120213 (Jan 22, 2014)

Sent you an email.


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## JaJa (Jun 28, 2020)

Oh dear, I'm so sorry for you and your mom Shama. I don't have direct experience with vascular dementia but am experienced with dementia itself since we helped care for Ed's mom the 12 years that she had it. My Dad had it for 8 years before he passed. I'll send you an e-mail with more details.


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## EvaE1izabeth (Nov 14, 2017)

I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

I have noticed that in general, people seem to be talking more about the problems the elderly face, because they’ve been in the spotlight and amplified due to isolation during covid. They aren’t new problems, but I think it it’s a good thing for care facilities. It’s a hard time to go through such a major life change, for you, your mom, and your dad. I hope you can all find the support you need. I know I’m thinking of you, but I don’t have any experience or advice regarding dementia. I hope it will allow her to be vaccinated sooner, and that you’ll be able to see her more!


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## morriscsps (Aug 17, 2010)

My hubby's aunt has gone into a memory care unit. Alzheimer's is in his family. She has had a series of TIAs in the last couple of years and was starting to show signs. One thing we noticed was she knew she was losing abilities and that shot her anxiety through the roof. It got so that making the little decision would send her spiraling for the day. Being in the memory care unit relieves her of a lot of stress. There are different levels of care. Living in an apartment with or without assistance, living in a room with a kitchette, living in a room with all meals delivered or at the cafeteria.. There are lots of different combos. Whatever you do, it is going to be hard for everyone. Good luck.

Now that she has been there for almost a year, she is happy. Hates the food but happy and glad she moved in. (The doctors say that taste may change with TIAs. The food is fine. Boring and blah but isn't as hideous as she claims.)


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## Mando's Mommy (Dec 8, 2020)

I don't have any experience with vascular dementia but wanted to send you big hugs and prayers.


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## Chi-Chi's Mom (Dec 10, 2015)

Hello ShamaMama, I lost my mom to dementia/alzheimer's disease in 2018 and I found the Alzheimer's Association (alzconnected.org) community to be a wealth of information and practical advice. The caregiver's forum (mostly for children of those affected) can be a bit tense. There is frequent back and forth between those who feel those who place their I found that the spouse forparent vs. those who don't. the spouse's forum is much more calm and non-judgemental. My Mom spent a few months in memory care but it just did not work for us and we chose to bring her home and utilize in-home care. A huge factor in that decision was that unless the loved one has constant monitoring from family, they overlooked. My husband and I were both working when we relocated my Mom and there were no good facilities near us. If you do decide to place your Mom in memory care, please make sure that it is a true locked down facility. I know that sounds harsh but we initially placed my Mom in an assisted living facility with a "memory care wing". We did not realize that they would not stop her from leaving if she chose to and she frequently did, wandering the halls all day and night because she could not navigate her way back to her apartment. Because of this we were asked to find another place for her (and given 24 hours notice to do so). We found an actual locked down facility, but it was an hour away from our home and keeping on top of things after a long day's work was exhausting. Another thing, please be cautious of facilities that look like resorts. This is pure marketing. I found the best places were not pretty, but clean and well staffed. Also, there will be extra costs for what you may consider basic services. For example, most persons with dementia do not eat well because they simply can't follow the steps of eating. Most facilities deliver a tray and it is up to the person with dementia to eat it or not. To ensure you loved one eats, you may have to hire an aide to sit and feed them. Most importantly, please do not fall into the guilt trip if you decide to place your Mom. This is a difficult journey. Whatever you do to get through it is okay if YOU decide it is okay. My best to you and your family. I will life you all and your friend in prayer.


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Thank you so much to all who have replied. It really means a lot to me. I will contact you individually through PM once I clear up space in my PM mailbox.

Our original plan was to keep mom at home as long as possible. We were having trouble finding in-home health care, but we were working on it. But then, during this most recent trip to the hospital, the doctor said she COULD NOT go home. He said she HAD to go into memory care.

Tomorrow, my mom is being moved to the memory care facility which is attached to the hospital which is a five minute drive from my parents' house. A young woman who is training to be a nurse has been coming to the house to help my dad with my mom actually works at the care facility so will be able to help with my mom's transition. Unfortunately, she'll be leaving to start nursing school in the Cities (Minneapolis and St. Paul are the Twin Cities, the Cities for short). Another young woman who used to help my mom will be home from college for the month of January, and she'll be working at the care facility then. (We are so lucky to have these two young women in our lives! We are so lucky that my parents live in a small town where it's easy to know a lot of people but a small town that is big enough to have a hospital and a memory care facility!)

During my mom's two-week quarantine, my dad won't be allowed in the facility. One of my sisters lives an hour from my parents, one lives two hours from them, and I live three hours from them (three and a half when Shama goes with us!) I hope my mom will last long enough for me to go see her at least one more time. (There's no point in going to see her for at least two weeks. Well, maybe I could stand outside her window, but it's January, and she lives in northern Minnesota ...)

Two other bits of information that didn't make it into my first post: I've always wondered why my mom couldn't find the right drugs to treat her chronic severe depression, and a friend who has experience with stroke victims pointed out to me (just on Saturday) that it's especially hard to treat depression in stroke victims because the medicines may be trying to work on parts of the brain that are no longer active. That makes sense, but no one had ever put it to me so plainly before. Yesterday, the doctor said that vascular dementia usually plateaus then worsens. So between the depression, the incomplete recovery from her heart/brain trauma, the inability to read for any length of time, and the onset of vascular dementia, I can see why my mom is ready to hang it up.

Usually when I can't sleep, I silently say the names of people here and their dogs until I fall asleep. :smile2: Last night, however, I just kept saying to myself, "Scott HAS to get better!" over and over. I figured it might be time for my mom who is 82, but it's not time for Scott who is 51.

Today, I found out from my friend that Scott seems to be improving. He's been in the hospital for seven days, and today they were able to reduce the amount of oxygen they have to give him. He may be home by the end of the week.

This friend of mine is like a favorite auntie for Shama. They LOVE each other. She was touched that my HF friends were thinking of her brother. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for him.

To end on a happy note, it's a holiday in France tomorrow. Here's a fun video if you're interested.


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## JaJa (Jun 28, 2020)

Now I'm hungry, although I kept getting distracted because the phone wasn't connected anywhere. That's just me though&#55357;&#56843;
I'm so happy to hear that Scott is improving. Of course this forum will keep him in their thoughts and prayers, this is an especially unique platform. I hope Shama's Auntie is doing better too, she must be emotionally drained.
I really like your post Chi-Chi's Mom. My husband and I toured various facilities in Oregon a few years ago. Calculating the "real" cost can be quite aggravating. We felt like we were buying a used car. Luckily, one of my brother-in-laws is a safety inspector so we knew the right questions to ask and paperwork to review. You are so right about the external image vs quality patient care.
I'm assuming that your adorable avatar is Chi-Chi. My Dad was living in Chicago when he passed in 2018 and also had Alzheimer's (dementia). His Havanese passed away 5 days before he did. I hope others remember your final thought that "whatever" someone decides for their own situation is okay. Thank you.


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

You and your mom and the rest of your family are in my prayers. We are struggling with similar problems with Dave's parents, both in their late 80's. They have been living in a retirement community that I think THEY thought, and certainly, WE thought, would be their final home. The place has changed hands several times, is not doing particularly well, and their "assisted living" and "memory care" units are all full with waiting lists. But Dave's parents urgently need help NOW. His mom CERTAINLY at least need assisted living, his Dad is in need of memory care as well. What is more heartbreaking is that we need to separate them, at least at night, because he gets confused at night, wanders, and lashes out in his sleep. He has hurt her, and climbs over her, forgetting what side of the bed he is on. (things he would NEVER do on purpose!!!)

So we have found a facility where they can both live, her in a small apartment with help organizing her meds and assistance "as needed" as well as all meals provided. He will be in the "memory care" unit, 2 floors up from her. She can visit him as often as she wants, but what is harder for him to swallow (and remember day to day) is that HE cannot go to HER without being escorted, and that, of course, depends on whether someone has the time to take him right then. If it weren't for Covid, we, as family, could help with that, but in MA right now, because Covid is surging so badly, no one but staff is allowed inside elderly care facilities. HOPEFULLY when people get vaccinated, that will change.

It's SO hard to watch. Dave brought him over to our house last weekend (just before he moved to the new facility... she is in a rehab recovering from a broken hip and will move in in a couple of weeks) so that I could cut his hair for him. He is aware that he is having memory problems, and finds it SO frustrating. But "in the moment", he was SO pleased to see us, see the dogs, just BE with family, since even at their old facility we have not been allowed in, though we could take them out (which makes NO sense to me, but...)

I honestly don't know what is harder... seeing your parent lose their cognitive abilities or watch them, like my Dad did, completely fall apart physically, so they are entirely bedridden, but are still sharp as a tack and stuck in this failing body. Great age is not for the faint of heart. That is for sure. :crying:


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## Molly120213 (Jan 22, 2014)

Best wishes to all of you dealing with elderly parents and all of the issues involved with their living arrangements and medical care. I have faced many of the same things with my own parents and father-in-law, before they passed, and I understand what you are going through. ❤


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## MMoore (Aug 20, 2020)

I’m so sorry to hear this. From the responses so far, it looks like you’re definitely not alone. My mother had several TIAs and then started showing signs of dementia some time afterwards (although I can’t remember how long between the last TIA and when we first started noticing signs of dementia).

She was in assisted living in Massachusetts, near my brother, until it started getting bad. We moved her down to West Virginia to a dedicated memory care facility which was wonderful. She died about 3 years ago, so I may not remember all the details of the process, but I’m happy to talk with you any time about it, lend an ear, be someone to vent to - I think you have my email from the holiday party. 

Marion


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Scott got home today! He will have oxygen, in-house nurse care, and a Zoom call with the doctor daily. He has a long recovery ahead of him, but his family is thrilled!

My dad and one of my sisters moved my mom into Memory Care today. My mom was calm and didn't seem to mind what was happening. She understood that she was still in her town, but they're not sure she grasped that she was in a Memory Care unit. Amazingly, she didn't seem to mind that she wasn't going home. (She had previously insisted that she wanted to live out her days in her own home.) My sister said that when she asked my mom if she had any concerns, she responded, "I just want to be with people who know me." My sister assured her that some of the people there already knew her and that everyone soon would. So the transfer of my mom from the hospital to Memory Care went about as smoothly as it could. We're relieved.

Thank you for the new posts. I'll respond individually this weekend.


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## Jeanniek (Mar 20, 2018)

ShamaMama, I am sorry you are going through this. I also thought how wonderful for you to have a whole family of people here in the forum to ask these questions to! It sounds like you are getting some good advice from people. So, I won’t go into taking care of someone with Alzheimer’s, but I did want to point out something you said. Hospice is not just for when people are dying, as most believe. It is for living one’s life as well as one can. When my aunt first got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, my cousin called Hospice. They came and taught her how to do things for her mom, what to expect, how to handle it, helped with the purchase of the bed, wheelchair and many other things. After a year, my aunt was stabilized, and Hospice went away. Now 6 years later, my aunt had a heart attack so Hospice is back, helping out. Since my aunt continues to decline, Hospice will remain, even though it’s been over a year now since the heart attack. The criteria is roughly that there is a logical expectation that the person might not live for another 6 months.

My mother is now in a Memory Care facility. I did not want to put her in Hospice. For some reason, I felt like Hospice in a facility would be different than Hospice coming to one’s home. But my mother fell, and broke her hip. She had to have surgery; anesthesia makes the dementia worse. She initially was getting better but then decided she didn’t want to do the exercises. I was coming to all of her sessions and we’d go through this battle trying to get her to walk, cause I knew she could but she didn’t want to. But then I decided my mom had the right to live the way she wanted. And what she wants is not to make any effort to prolong a life she no longer wants to be in. She’s been saying that for over 13 years now. It used to break my heart that she’d say that, but now I understand it. So, I called Hospice. Once a patient is in hospice, it is all about palliative care. So my mom was no longer enrolled in physical therapy, because that is not considered palliative care, but she does do group exercises and activities. Hospice also comes 3 times a week and gives her a bath, provides a lot of the personal notions she needs, and keeps me updated every time they come see her. Which I truly appreciate. It’s another set of eyes besides mine, taking care of my mom. I am truly appreciative of Hospice, the people who work in it, and the services they provide, not just to the person they are tending, but to the family.


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Jeanniek, your timing is great, because my dad and two sisters and I talked with a Hospice social worker for two and a half hours after school today. She was so nice and comforting. She had a colleague on the line who was in training. It was great that the colleague could hear our entire conversation, because she's the one who will likely be visiting my dad as he is struggling without his wife at home anymore. We are all able to call the Hospice people 24 hours a day. When my mom passes away, they will continue to help us with our bereavement for 13 months.

It would not surprise me if my mom did rally, now that people aren't making her do things anymore. She has always liked to exercise, but she has never liked being told what to do. Recently, probably due to her vascular dementia, she has really been refusing to listen to people. She's calling the shots now.

Even though I'm an optimist, I'm not going to hold my breath about my mom lasting very long. One of my sisters and I had a long talk yesterday, and she assured me that my mom really will be at peace when she is done fighting this fight.

Yes, Jeanniek, I really appreciate having my forum friends. Thanks so much for your post.

Speaking of forum friends ... Diane, my niece gave us a belated Christmas gift, a Havanese ornament that actually looks like Shama! I will be putting a photo of it (along with Shama, of course) in your thread!


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

My Dad was on Hospice with “end stage” heart failure (cardiomyopathy) for over two years. His cardiologist was astounded every time hospice nurses called to ask a meds question because he couldn’t believe how long my Dad “lasted”. But we really think that part of what HELPED my Dad was when they stopped trying to “cure” him, and ONLY medicated him in ways that actually made him feel better. The less meds they gave him, the better he did. At one point he (kind of sheepishly) asked us whether he should even be using Hospice services, since he was not dying!  

They were so good about dialing in services at times we needed more or pulling back when he was doing better. (We were lucky enough to be able to keep him at home, largely because we were not dealing with any dementia, so we did need a LOT of help) At the end, my Dad’s (they were both 91 at the time) wife called my brother saying he had had a very bad night. He called hospice, who had a nurse over there to start giving him morphine, which had been waiting in the house for months at that point. We had directions on how much he could have and how often as needed to keep him comfortable. After that, he didn’t get out of bed, but he was comfortable, and slept a lot, but when he was awake, we all had good visits with him, and he even was able to talk to his “little” (90 year old) sister in California, and sing German nursery rhymes with her the day before he died. The last two days, Hospice had a nurse with him/us 24 hours a day, and was with us when he passed. 

And they have provided grief counseling and other support for his wife since, which has been invaluable for a 91 year old 2x widow with macular degeneration... ESPECIALLY with the isolation caused by Covid.


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## JaJa (Jun 28, 2020)

Jeanniek, that was an excellent post. I keep remebering more things since Shamamama's first post. Hospice was a cloud of angels for all of us. Our biggest frustration was that they weren't allowed to accept a Christmas bonus. I paid close attention throughout the year and Ed's brother and I coordinated our efforts. All of them received personal gifts that we knew were appreciated. We "lied" a few times along the way but we've repented. The care we paid for was mediocre. Ed's Mom lived almost 2 more years and twice there were chances that she could loose their help temporarily. Ed's Dad was 92 at the time so those hospice angels "figured out" how to make everything work. 
It's wonderful to read about your experience on the other side of the country. Ours did everything you described with sincere kindness and love. We were very fortunate, we came home with Jodie the first Friday in April (2019) and I told Ed I didn't think we should unpack. We called Dad in the morning and went to spend e few days. She passed away at 2:30 am that night. Dad woke me up at 2:36 am and we all went in to hug her and say peaceful farewells. We've now been through 3 parents who wanted to let go on their terms, which they did. You are so right Jeanniek, hospice is a whole family support system. Ed and I are fine talking about and accepting death. One of his brothers, not so much. The hospice angels left pamphlets around the house and switched them out every couple weeks. When JoJo is finished with his life here I'm going to visit, with Cotton and Jodie, the hospice where my friend volunteers. I need to do a little touch up training with Jodie but Cotton is good to go. 
Karen, that's exactly why my Mother-in-law lived an extra 2 years. Dad took her off all her medications and just feed her all the organic food she wanted and she was quite the veracious eater! Mom was happy and content even though she didn't talk. One day she just stopped eating and became very agitated if Dad tried. He's 94 now and has a kidney issue that will be accerlating by summer. Now we know hospice will be there for us which is an incredible comfort. 

Yeah for Scott! I'm so happy for everyone! We will continue to keep him, and the family, in our thpughts and meditations💜


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Sorry I didn't find time to contact you all individually this weekend. I did, however, talk to a college friend for two hours yesterday and a high school friend for two hours today. I also took a break from correcting to do something fun on Instagram.

When I called my mom yesterday, she wasn't able to get her words out right. I couldn't figure out what she was saying. I was pleased, however, that at one point she said, "Shama is good." That was nice to hear from my mom who doesn't like dogs! She also mentioned the name of the five-pound red minpin we had from when I was 12 until when I was 27, Vixen.

Today, she was able to speak in complete sentences. She wasn't happy, however. She said, "I want you to come here as soon as possible." I assured her that I would but that it would be at some point after her quarantine ...

She's in really good hands, however. I talked at length with one of the nurses tonight, and she said the first week is always the hardest. She mentioned that my mom was visiting with someone earlier, and since the woman had an unusual name, I was able to figure out that it was the woman who supervised my two sisters and me when we worked at a county beach as lifeguards in the late 80s and early 90s! Another woman in my mom's care facility (her room is actually across the hall from my mom's) was my parents' next door neighbor for at least 20 years!

I am hopeful that my mom will adjust to her new surroundings. (And she has an Alexa! She had one at home, so she knows how to ask her the time, the weather, and to turn on some music.)


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## JaJa (Jun 28, 2020)

No need for apologies, you've been busy! Talking to friends is a nice change from grieving and worrying. I do agree that "Shama is good." I started to take family notes when Ed's Mom was at that stage. She glowed talking about the past and being able to remember things without much effort. Friends from the past in the same facility sounds wonderful. My Dad always told us there were no such things as "coincidences." Something similar happened with him when he and his wife moved to Arizona. 
Your Mom has a lot working in her favor which should make the transition the first week or two a little easier. Ed's Dad has the Alexa with the screen which he loves. All he has to do is ask her when the game begins. Since he is 94 there is also a camera over the front door so we can make sure he gets up and down the stairs safely. I'm glad you have the comfort of knowing your Mom is being taken care of well. 
I'm off to visit IG next!


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Just a quick note to say I had a great conversation with my mom last night. She sounded a lot like her old self. At the end, Shama barked. My mom was in the middle of saying, "Thanks for calling," and she said, "Thanks for calling, Shama!" Remember that she doesn't like dogs. I was touched that she addressed Shama!

Also, you heard it here first, my new idea for the name of our next Havanese: Levity, Lev for short!

One night when I couldn't sleep, I was thinking about how I always hope for levity (humor or frivolity, especially the treatment of a serious matter with humor or in a manner lacking due respect) in my conversations with my mom, and I realized that would be a great name for a Havanese!

After starting agility lessons, I realized how important the choice of a name is if you're planning to train your dog. A friend of mine changed the name of the dog she adopted from a shelter from Kono (because she didn't want his name to end with the word NO) to Cody (she doesn't know Karen's Kodi!) I had originally wanted our next dog to be named Indigo (especially if s/he's black), but then I found myself saying, "Go, go, GO!" on the straightaways in agility and wasn't sure Indigo would be a good name. It's also three syllables compared to Lev which is only one.

I love you, Lev! I live for you, Lev! My lovely Lev! I can already imagine the possibilities. I also think Lev would work for a boy or a girl.

This idea is not trademarked. You have my permission to "steal" this name for your next puppy!

BTW, I googled "Kodi, Pixel, Panda" to make sure I was spelling Kodi right, and look at the cute video I found. I've seen it before, but maybe not all of you have.


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## JaJa (Jun 28, 2020)

I'm delighted to hear that you had such a pleasant talk with your Mom. My grandma was that way. She wasn't as reserved about things that had bothered her before. She even had the audacity to wear pants!😋 It was a big step for someone born in 1895. Ed's Mom started laughing at my jokes and let Cotton sleep on her lap. She didn't like dogs either. 
Levity is a perfect name, especially for you! I hope I can be that clever for our next Havanese. I'm fortunate to come from a family that traverses and heals with humor. Grief and focus are important but many people would perceive our humor at those times as being too morbid or disrespectful. Humor keeps us from insanity. 
That's a good point with the name Kono. The poor guy might think he's constantly in trouble. We clearly didn't think that carefully when we chose Jodie. She knows the difference though and JoJo can't hear anyway. Karen's video is so cute! Pixel's reaction looks just like Jodie with JoJo. As soon as he opens his eyes she acts like he's the best living being in the world. 
I hope your day is filled with levity. Go forth, love and live for your future Lev!


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

And one more thing ...

I meant to tell you that I joined an online dementia forum (sorry, you won't get any more dementia threads from me here ...) and that one piece of advice sounded vaguely familiar ...

I was asking about the frequency and duration of visits to my mother, and someone wrote, "I learned the hard way that saying goodbye was a trigger for mum getting upset, so after advice from [this online dementia forum] I never said goodbye at all and left my coat and bag in the managers office so that there was no visual cue that I was going. I would just say that I needed the bathroom (ooh look, mum, your dinner is here. Ill be back soon) and go."

Never saying goodbye and offering no visual cue that we're leaving is how we always try to leave Shama when we're leaving the house and she's staying home!


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

ShamaMama said:


> BTW, I googled "Kodi, Pixel, Panda" to make sure I was spelling Kodi right, and look at the cute video I found. I've seen it before, but maybe not all of you have.


I didn't even remember that! How cute is that?!? I forgot how cute she was! And how cute they were with her!


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## JaJa (Jun 28, 2020)

That's a very good idea Shamamama, I hadn't really thought about it but it makes good sense for the comfort of the one feeling abandoned. Anxiety is easily triggered as time goes on. Dementia/Alzheimer's is also referred to as the long goodbye. 
I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss your dementia postings. Ed and I have had the long goodbye with 3 parents and there are other people (Karen, Boosdad) who are going through, or have gone through, the same thing. It's helpful experience to apply to our Havanese kids so it's still relevant to this forum. That's how I feel at least.


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## Mikki (May 6, 2018)

It's been 10-years since my mother died at age 81 but it seems like it was a recent event. We had a close relationship and had lots of fun together with my sister as adults. My mother moved to my hometown at age 72 after my sister died in accident. She was active and moderately healthy after moving. Having been a long time smoker she had COPD. Due to age her COPD symptoms got worse over time. The last two years of her life she experienced numerous life-threatening episodes and was in and out of hospitals and rehab centers.

I felt like I was in a constant Battle with the Health Care system, which is a system my parents, my husband and I were all a part of. At one point, my mother ended in a Psy Unit because she suddenly Lost Her Mind, was making no sense and didn't trust me. One day when I was at her house she was watching a Spanish Speaking television show and she told me this was her Favorite! show, although she didn't know a word of spanish. I got little help to no from her doctor but eventually made a decision to place her in a hospital Psy Unit. I tricked her into going and the next day I came to visit she was Furious! and I had to leave.

It turned out the problem was her potassium level was too low. My mother was there for two weeks, while the doctors and staff tried to figure out what was going on. At one point, I talked to the units Psychiatrist telling her about ALL the things I had done over the last two years to make my mother Happy. At one point I realized, stopped and said, *I don't think it's possible to make my mother happy.*

She had an illness that was not ever going to get better but only worse. There was nothing I, medicine, nor my mother could do about it. After she got back home she was calmer and better. Antidepressants helped. Soon after while talking I asked: Mother what do you want? She said, I want to Live. :crying:

She died about month later at Christmas in 2009, peacefully after going to bed. She loved Christmas and her goal was to make it to one more Christmas.

I guess my point is: There really isn't much of anything you can do but Listen and Love your mom.

_A side note: I often wonder about human connections: The night my mother died Oklahoma had a historic snow storm making driving impossible. In the middle of the night or early morning hours I suddenly woke up because I heard my mother call my name: Mikki! ... still groggy from sleep I thought she was in the hallway next to my bedroom. It worried me enough I thought about driving to her house but knew I couldn't make it because of the snow and decided it was my imagination and went back to bed.

The next morning when my son went with me to get her for Christmas - she had passed away._


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## EvaE1izabeth (Nov 14, 2017)

krandall said:


> I didn't even remember that! How cute is that?!? I forgot how cute she was! And how cute they were with her!


I remembering you posting it at some point but it must have been a while ago. I know I watched it before, but I didn't feel like I was rewatching, so I must have noticed different things this time. Or my memory is even worse than I thought, lol. It's so funny to see how Kodi and Pixel both welcome her so well but in slightly different ways, and to see Pixel's puppy side bubbling up! They are just so good with her!


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

EvaE1izabeth said:


> I remembering you posting it at some point but it must have been a while ago. I know I watched it before, but I didn't feel like I was rewatching, so I must have noticed different things this time. Or my memory is even worse than I thought, lol. It's so funny to see how Kodi and Pixel both welcome her so well but in slightly different ways, and to see Pixel's puppy side bubbling up! They are just so good with her!


This is a different video. I do remember the other one, where she was in the corner of the kitchen. I think that one was the MINUTE we had put her down with them. She looks more settled in this one. I'm sure it was the same night, but later. She seems very sure of herself with the other two in this one. And Kodi's coat!!! It's only when I see a photo of him moving from 5 years ago that I really SEE how he is aging. He was SOOOO pretty!!!! THAT makes me SAD! :crying:

but, putting it in perspective, he was the age Pixel is now...


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Mikki said:


> I guess my point is: There really isn't much of anything you can do but Listen and Love your mom.


Thanks for your post, Mikki! I had been wondering if I would hear from you. I remember you posting about your mom loving Christmas (in Karen's little Christmas tree thread?) It is really interesting hearing the stories of others. (Yes, JaJa, maybe it's OK that this thread is here. People can always choose to disregard if they're not interested.)

When my mom was first rehabilitating from her heart surgery, everyone kept telling her the importance of drinking more water. She also ended up with dangerously low potassium levels as a result. I think that happened more than once!

I was sorry to hear about the loss of your sister and your mom.

I guess we all need to make the most of the relationships we have right now, because we don't know how long our loved ones will be with us.


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## JaJa (Jun 28, 2020)

Optimism is a great tool and helps me appreciate the present moment. I feel better when I can except the people I love for who they are right now. My father's death was sudden and traumatic and I was so grateful that we had visited him and his wife the week before. The last words we said to each other were "I love you." I know I sound corny, but my heart feels at peace every time I think of my Dad.


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## Mikki (May 6, 2018)

@Karen that was a Super Cute! Darling video of Panda's arriving to her new home.


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## EvaE1izabeth (Nov 14, 2017)

krandall said:


> This is a different video. I do remember the other one, where she was in the corner of the kitchen. I think that one was the MINUTE we had put her down with them. She looks more settled in this one. I'm sure it was the same night, but later. She seems very sure of herself with the other two in this one. And Kodi's coat!!! It's only when I see a photo of him moving from 5 years ago that I really SEE how he is aging. He was SOOOO pretty!!!! THAT makes me SAD! :crying:
> 
> but, putting it in perspective, he was the age Pixel is now...


Ahh, that makes sense!

Kodi is truly still gorgeous.

It's really fun to watch them, and see their personalities.


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Time flies ...

My mom is done with her quarantine. I've been calling her almost every night, and I got to visit her for two hours yesterday. She has a better attitude than I would have imagined she would. 

My mom has been enjoying the hospice aide who visits her three times a week, the hospice nurse who visits her twice a week, the hospice chaplain, the hospice social worker, and the hospice music therapist! We're thrilled with the hospice organization we chose. My mom was pleased to hear that hospice has also been caring for my dad who continues to miss my mom so much. She has been telling her daughters over and over, "You have to take care of Dad."

The one thing that concerns me is that my mom has really lost a lot of muscle tone. Prior to her heart surgery in November 2018, I would guess she was in the top 10% of 80 year old women as far as physical fitness goes. As recently as November 2020, she could walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes at a time. (The strokes left her with a left foot that's hard to lift and balance issues, so she wasn't super confident with her cane but was good with a walker and holding on to the treadmill.) Now she's in her bed, the recliner, or her wheelchair most of the time. I'm going to call the activities director and the hospice nurse to find out if more physical activity could be encouraged.

EvaE1izabeth, I'm sorry I didn't reply to your question about teaching in the **BREAKING NEWS** thread. I am going to spend a week (February 8-12) at my parents' house now that my mom is done with her quarantine and can have visitors. I'll be able to teach over the internet as easily from there as I do from my own house. Our superintendent is hoping to get us back into a hybrid model on February 22. I'm hoping to not have to go back until I'm fully vaccinated, and I don't even have an appointment for a shot yet. (My parents, 82, were both vaccinated on January 28.)

So I guess an unexpected silver lining of COVID is that I'll be able to teach for a week from my parents' house. That would not have been possible a year ago.

My friend's brother Scott started being able to breathe without oxygen during the daytime TODAY, so that's exciting.

My new favorite saying which I learned from a colleague earlier this month at a meeting entirely unrelated to my mom but perfect for the families of Memory Care patients is this ...

Yesterday's history;
Tomorrow's a mystery;
Today is a gift ... and that's why it's called the present.


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## EvaE1izabeth (Nov 14, 2017)

ShamaMama said:


> Time flies ...
> 
> My mom is done with her quarantine. I've been calling her almost every night, and I got to visit her for two hours yesterday. She has a better attitude than I would have imagined she would.
> 
> ...


I'm so glad you will be able to spend time with your dad, and will be closer to your mom for a week. I'm also glad Scott is feeling better!

I think I would feel the same way about teaching. We came back from winter break to a hybrid model and I almost changed my mind about sending DS to school because I was concerned about increased transmission from Christmas. They made some school wide changes, and DS leaves early from class so he's not in the halls for passing time. But if he was in high school, I don't know. There really hasn't been any transmission occurring in the middle school. The high school has been another story. There were teachers in a different high school in our district who got covid, and as a result the teachers in the district next to us said they would not go back. The transmission rate is higher there, their buildings are more crowded, etc. They are opening after teachers receive their 2nd vaccination.

I don't see how it's helpful to rush it in the middle of the term/quarter/etc. Especially trying to reduce transmission of the new variants. I think it's important to get kids some degree of in person instruction, but a few more weeks (hopefully) is not going to make a huge difference when we've been doing it this long, and it's more likely to stick if teachers are healthy and present, and if they feel safe. I hope your district gets those doses soon, or does the right thing and waits.


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## Mikki (May 6, 2018)

ShamaMama said:


> _*Yesterday's history;
> 
> Tomorrow's a mystery;
> 
> Today is a gift ... and that's why it's called the present.*​_


_​_
That is a wonderful quote I should print and frame or have tattooed somewhere. :wink2:

What a Lucy Mom to have such a thoughtful and caring daughter. Truly! she is one lucky lady.

Agree with Eva I don't see a reason to rush everyone back to school. We're getting close to getting an organized vaccine distribution system, Biden's bill has funding to help schools operate more safely with a plan of action to getting them open. I live with two teenagers who haven't been in school since last March except for a few classes here and there. It's not worth dying or having a life long disability to rush things too soon. We are so Close.


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## Molly120213 (Jan 22, 2014)

Annie I am so happy you have had the opportunity to spend time with your Mom on the phone and in person! So glad she seems to have adjusted to her new living arrangements. It must be so hard on your Dad to be apart from her. It is great news that you will be able to teach remotely and be near to them both in February. I am keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

Like the others, I am so glad you have a chance to have this quality time with your mom. Can you bring Shama to visit her? I also agree that it is not fair to force teachers to put themselves in harm’s way at this point, when the vaccine is SO CLOSE! Stay safe, and I love your new saying!


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

krandall said:


> Like the others, I am so glad you have a chance to have this quality time with your mom. Can you bring Shama to visit her? I also agree that it is not fair to force teachers to put themselves in harm's way at this point, when the vaccine is SO CLOSE! Stay safe, and I love your new saying!


Thanks, all! Yes, we could bring Shama to visit her, but I don't plan to bother since she has never been wild about Shama, and Shama would distract me when I'd rather give 100% of my attention to my mom.

When I go up there to teach, DH and Shama will be staying home. There isn't room for both DH and me to teach from my parents' house since neither of us would want to teach from the basement! I'm going to get the lovely dining room with views out two windows to trees.

I would really like to find a pretty picture with that saying on it ...


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## EvaE1izabeth (Nov 14, 2017)

ShamaMama said:


> Thanks, all! Yes, we could bring Shama to visit her, but I don't plan to bother since she has never been wild about Shama, and Shama would distract me when I'd rather give 100% of my attention to my mom.
> 
> When I go up there to teach, DH and Shama will be staying home. There isn't room for both DH and me to teach from my parents' house since neither of us would want to teach from the basement! I'm going to get the lovely dining room with views out two windows to trees.
> 
> I would really like to find a pretty picture with that saying on it ...


You should add it as a caption on a photo of your family and frame it! Although it is a great saying to keep in mind under all circumstances and could definitely stand alone.


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Update ... I arrived Sunday. I had major internet/bandwidth problems yesterday, so teaching my three classes was a challenge. I managed to videoconference with one group. I shared a Google Doc with the second group, and they did task after task for me even though we weren't seeing each other or talking to each other in the videoconference. I shared a Google Doc with the third group, and they couldn't see what I was typing in it, so I got to watch their cute little conversations with each while they were wondering where I was. Then I emailed them, and the leaders put my directions into the Google Doc, and they got to work. My students are the crème de la crème! Today, I was able to teach my two classes in the videoconference without a problem.

I visited my Mom yesterday and today. (This morning, it was 19 below!)

When my dad and I arrived in the Memory Care facility today, my mom was playing Connect Four with a new guy who had asked her if she'd play with him. Earlier, she had won BINGO twice, and she was very pleased with the scarf they'd given her.

After my dad left, I was reading crossword puzzle clues to my mom (five letters for "be nosy" = snoop - she thought of it before I did), and she said, "I don't want to do cognitive work. I want to work on motor skills." Since I wasn't allowed to leave the room due to COVID, we had to exercise in her little room. I sent her (moving her wheelchair with her feet) to touch the green towel by the TV, then the red sweatshirt in the closet, then my hand, etc. I also had her open and close the closet door. And we pretended like we knew how to do Tai Chi. I moved my arms and my legs slowly, and she mirrored my movements.

It was a great day! (I also got to talk at length with the woman who organizes the activities, and she has lots of ideas to get my mom moving again. I told her my mom would love anything that allowed her to simulate driving - like a Wii game, maybe? Because she really does miss driving. BTW, my dad's SUV is not in the garage in the 19 below weather, because my car and my mom's SUV - the one that she got a couple months before her emergency open heart surgery - are in the garage.)

Thanks again to everyone sending good vibes. Sorry I still haven't found the time to send you individual PMs. I've been spending a lot of time on the phone with friends, family, and health care professionals.

Take care!


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## Molly120213 (Jan 22, 2014)

So happy you had such a good day and that you are having this precious time with your parents!


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

Thanks for the update! Happy to hear that she is settling in so well!


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## Mikki (May 6, 2018)

Here's ya go Shama Mama ... Your Thought a the Day ...


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Mikki said:


> Here's ya go Shama Mama ... Your Thought a the Day ...


Thanks, Mikki! Did you make that?

:flypig:


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## Mikki (May 6, 2018)

ShamaMama said:


> Thanks, Mikki! Did you make that?
> 
> :flypig:


I didn't photograph the picture. It's a Free pic. I'll play around with it some more. It's a wonderful quote.


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Hi Dear Forum Friends! 

My mom has passed away. 

I feel really fortunate that I was able to distance teach from my parents' house the weeks of 2/8, 2/22, and 3/8. I was able to go over to her care facility from 3:15 to 5:30 PM each day, and we built special memories each time. 

On Tuesday, 3/9, I convinced my dad to take his guitar over, and we sang, "You Are My Sunshine." My mom was able to sing two verses. On Wednesday, 3/10, I had parent-teacher (video)conferences from 1 to 7 PM, then I went over to see Mom. We called a cousin on my mom's side, and we got filled in on her life as well as the lives of her children and sisters. My mom was engaged in the conversation, smiling and nodding, and even asking a question or two. On Thursday, 3/11, I showed my mom some photos (which was significant, because prior to her open-heart surgery in November 2018, when her depression was raging, she wouldn't look at photos or talk about the past, because it depressed her; since entering Memory Care, when I described photos to my mom, she said over and over, "Let me see that one.") Later, when she wasn't actually looking at photos, she said, "There's Susan (my sister) in her Brownie uniform." I thought how great it was that the pages of the photo album were going through her mind! Then we did our pretend Tai Chi with Alexa playing "What a Feeling" from the movie Flashdance. As usual, Mom was able to mirror my every move. Later, when we were waiting for her supper to arrive, she turned to me and said, "What a feeling." It was so funny! 

That night, we watched the movie Mamma Mia. She slept a bit during the movie, but she also smiled at the ABBA music and even laughed aloud when a woman fell into the water. She bounced her legs to the rhythm of the music and repositioned her feet onto the foot stool and off the foot stool repeatedly. After the movie, the aide took her to brush her teeth, and she returned slumped to one side of her wheelchair. Her speech was slurred. Two aides put her into bed and called the nurse. The nurse asked me if I wanted to assess Mom for a stroke. She said she's on hospice and asked what the plan would be if she had had a stroke. I said "Keep her comfortable." We looked at her, and she was sleeping, so we didn't wake her. I went "home" and told my dad about watching the movie. I didn't want him to be awake all night. 

The next morning, Mom's hospice aide said she hadn't been able to sit up at breakfast. She kept tilting forward. She also hadn't been able to feed herself. I asked if, in her experience, people bounce back from losing their abdominal strength. (Mom had previously been able to easily sit up from a prone position.) The aide said no. Then the nurse came to assess Mom and said she was concerned about the sleep apnea that had started. (Mom had not had sleep apnea before.) She said it could be the beginning of the end. I asked how long the end might last. She said one to three days or three weeks. I had taken that day off from teaching because I had to get home. I gave Mom a big drink of water and said, "I'm leaving now. I'll be back in two weeks. Love you, Mom!" Mom replied, in somewhat unclear speech, "Love you, Annie!" Although Mom had spoken to us a bit that morning, Dad later reported that she'd become less and less responsive as the day went on.

On Saturday, Susan went up to be with my Dad and my mom, but my mom was unresponsive. Sleeping and being kept comfortable by hospice (with morphine). On Sunday, Dad went over and was told that my other sister Katherine should come sooner rather than later. So Katherine was there by 11, and Susan was there by 4. Mom was unresponsive. At some point (Friday or Saturday?), she'd stopped eating and drinking. My sisters called me while we were driving up so I could join them in singing for my mom. It was OK that I wasn't there because I'd had three weeks with my mom and they were limiting us to four people at a time in my mom's room. We got there by 8:30 PM, but it was after visiting hours. I think if I'd insisted, they would have let me in. But I'd had three weeks, and I thought we'd have one or two more days to hang out with my mom. I finished preparing my Monday and Tuesday lessons (I was taking both days off) by 11:30 PM and called the facility. I was told there'd been no change, and the nurse asked me if I wanted to be called if there was a change. I said yes (but then put my phone on "do not disturb" so only certain calls would make my phone ring - oops.)

At 12:50 AM, my dad's phone rang, and Dad said we needed to get over to Mom's room. DH and I got dressed, and we drove over (just under five minutes if you take the long way, three minutes if you take the short way - I can't remember which way we took). By 1:10 AM, my dad and I were holding my mom's hands and talking to her. She passed away at about 1:30 AM. (Can you believe they could tell she was close to death in order to call us to come over?) My dad stayed with my mom until 5 AM in order to be there when hospice and the funeral home director arrived. DH and I went back to my parents' house to sleep.

My parents had made their final arrangements years ago, so around noon Dad had to complete some paperwork, and we were able to see Mom in the funeral home chapel (the plan was to not have her embalmed and to not have a funeral; we were only going to have a family celebration of life at 4 PM). I realized Mom needed her BINGO scarf to look put together, so I brought it back at 3:30 so the funeral home director could put it on her before 4. My mom looked like she was still sleeping. Meanwhile, we strategically called Dad's four siblings all at the same time so that they would hear from us rather than each other, we wrote the obituary (which Dad and I had started on Thursday!), and we started calling family friends. I emailed the obituary to the funeral home director at 6:11 PM. (It was important to me to have a good obituary since we weren't having a funeral.) At Mom's celebration, we sang songs, and Katherine's husband said a really great prayer he'd written ahead of time. Afterwards, we ate pizza at my parents' house and looked at photo albums, sharing stories and laughing at bad Halloween costumes and 80s hairstyles. Susan's partner observed that my dad was smiling the whole time. At one point, my dad looked out the front window and said, "There goes Mom's scooter!" Apparently, when my parents had their RV, Mom had used a scooter that you push with your foot to zip around. After they sold the RV, they gave the scooter to the neighbor girl. It's funny that she went scooting by in view of my dad just after his wife's celebration at the funeral home.

My mom was no-nonsense, so she would have been pleased that she passed at 1:30 AM and was all done with her funeral by 5:30 PM the same day. On Wednesday (which I'd taken off for a doctor's appointment), the funeral director called me to say that he'd just left a message for my dad saying that my mom's ashes were ready for pick-up whenever he felt up to it. Efficient! On some nice spring or summer day, we'll bury Mom's ashes at Fort Snelling National Cemetery since my dad is an Air Force veteran.

People have been asking how my dad is doing. Honestly, I think he'll be better now that his period of limbo is over. His wife had been taken away, but she wasn't dead. We didn't know how long she'd be in Memory Care, we didn't know how far she would decline cognitively, and we didn't know how far she would decline physically. In the end, she was only in Memory Care just under two and a half months, she still knew who we all were, she could still talk, and she was still pretty mobile. Her final decline began on a Friday and ended on a Sunday. She went peacefully and comfortably with my dad and me holding her hands. The Memory Care people had turned her bed perpendicular to the window and put battery-operated candles on the tables on the sides of the bed. The lights were dim, and she didn't have anything hooked up to her. We're sad that she's gone, and we'll miss her, but we're glad her suffering is done and that she didn't suffer at the end. My dad is now free to leave his town without having to worry about his wife.

Susan got round-trip tickets to Las Vegas for herself, my dad, a niece, and me for a total of $551. We'll spend nine nights there, at three different properties where my sister has free rooms, and we'll do Las Vegas stuff as well as some outdoor stuff in the surrounding area. Three of our friends from California will be joining us.

Maybe we will be able to rendez-vous with Ricky Ricardo somewhere. PM me if you have a Havanese I can visit within two hours of Las Vegas!

Thank you for your concern and care.

Annie

PS We will take Shama to the Memory Care facility to visit some new friends we made!


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## GoWithTheFlo (Oct 11, 2018)

Dear Annie I am so sorry to read about your mum’s passing.

Your post is so beautifully written and it seems like your mum’s death was peaceful, pain free, whilst surrounded by some of those she loved most in the world; if only we could all be blessed like this when our time comes, which of course it must. What an amazing family you have to be able to draw such strength and comfort from one another, and what a testament to your mum that she created such a family!

I have spent this morning reading through all the posts on this thread (I don’t know how I missed it, I can only assume that it seemed important so I put off reading it until I had more time and then it went to the back of my mind, sorry) they are all so supportive and heartfelt and have brought a tear to my eye. There are such decent people in this world and it is truly heartwarming to be reminded of that through the members on this forum. 

Please know that you, your family and your mum will be in my prayers. And little Shama too of course😘

Much love and thank you for sharing this here which has enabled people to open up about their own experiences too and support one another. xxx


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## Mikki (May 6, 2018)

Sadly Beautiful!


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

Oh Annie, I am so sorry that your Mom has passed, but so glad that you and your family managed it in such a beautiful way, and that she was able to go so peacefully, with you by her side. It is also so wonderful that you were able to have those few last weeks with her. I wish that everyone had such a terrific family to rally around them and be there with them at the end. ❤


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## 31818 (Oct 29, 2014)

Annie, thank you for trusting us with your personal musings. It is an honor to be included. Bless you, your mom, and all your family.

Check your PM.


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## MMoore (Aug 20, 2020)

Annie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, but your description of her last few days was beautiful. You captured the feeling of those who have loved ones with dementia - the people we know are taken away but still here. Your mother's memory care workers sound wonderful. My brother and I were so grateful we found my mom's memory care facility - the nurses and staff there were exceptional. It takes a truly special kind of person to do that job, and do it well, and it is such a comfort to the family.

Marion


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## mudpuppymama (Mar 24, 2012)

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Thank you for your beautiful post and for sharing details of her final journey with us.


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## Mando's Mommy (Dec 8, 2020)

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. Thank you for trusting us with the beautiful story of her journey. You sound like you have an amazing family. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family.


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## LeleRF (Feb 18, 2021)

My deepest condolences on your loss, ShamaMama. Your accounts have been been incredibly moving. Thank you for sharing these beautiful memories.


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## EvaE1izabeth (Nov 14, 2017)

I’m sorry for your loss. Over the past couple of months, the experiences with your mom that you shared and your sincerity have touched me. Thank you for posting.


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## Heather's (Jun 18, 2012)

Sending my deepest sympathy for the loss of your mom Annie. Your memories of your mom touch my heart. What a wonderful loving family. Wishing you and your family comfort and peace.


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## Jackie from Concrete WA (Mar 23, 2015)

Annie, I'm sorry to read about your mom. Losing one's mom is like the start of a new chapter. It's difficult to know your mom is actually gone from our life. You have such a wonderful attitude and are an inspiration on dealing with a loss. I understand about the limbo of knowing a loved one is in the process of passing but not knowing anything other than that. No guilt in feeling a relief or grateful for a closure. You made your mom's final days nothing but a pleasure for her.


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## BoosDad (Mar 8, 2020)

Shamamama - Very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. My sincere condolences to you and your family.


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Thank you all for your kindness.

Here's a photo of Shama with some flowers which were given to me by the Sunshine Committee of one of my two schools.

💚💛🧡💜💙


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## Sheri (Oct 11, 2008)

Annie, What a good passing for your mother, and a sweet celebration of her that evening. Thank you for sharing about it with us. I'm sorry for your loss, but understand your peace with her being out of her decline.


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## Melissa Brill (Feb 22, 2017)

ShamaMama said:


> Hi Dear Forum Friends!
> 
> My mom has passed away.
> 
> ...


Annie

I am just seeing this complete thread and wanted to share my condolences. I know what you were going through as we went through something similar (though not memory care/ stroke issues) with my Mom last year. She went from being an active 79 year old, to having lung cancer, basically beating lung cancer but having falling incidents, to going into a short-term facility for intensive PT (after falling again and cracking her pelvis), to spiraling very quickly and staying in care - all within a 6 month period. Cancer started in May 2019, the falls happened, she went into short-term / residential PT in September and never left a facility - having developed a really bad bed sore and other issues, etc. During that time with various infections and other things, she developed some memory issues, completely lost all interest in eating (taste buds changed from the cancer). We were very pragmatic through the whole thing and emphasized to her that whatever happened was in her control / her choice. She got to decide whether she was still working towards coming home/ still wanted to do PT or not - in January 2020, when I saw her last, she said she was still ready to fight/ wanted to come home. During the last month, she made the decision that she was done and so the facility made her comfortable til the end. I didn't make it home - we thought we had a bit more time and I was in the airport on my way home when my sisters called to say that she'd passed, but I got to spend every day for 5-6 weeks or so with her in December/ January. We lost my Dad years ago - he went as he would have wanted - quickly on his way to work and so never had to go into a facility. Mom was never the same after that. My sisters were convinced that she had half-given up back then and while she was active and lived her life well since then, she was ready and we had to respect that.

I know it's hard when they're gone, but there is some comfort in knowing that they went on their own terms, calling the shots despite everything that was happening with them.


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

Thank you so much, Melissa! 

Such a similar story. My mom's mom lived to be 96, and my dad's mom lived to be 98, so I'd always assumed my mom would live into her 90s. Apparently, however, she'd had many conversations with my dad and my oldest sister about not wanting to stick around once her quality of life was seriously compromised, so we are all at peace with her being gone now. I still miss her like crazy, though, because she was one in a million. Last night I dreamed that she led my family on a really long bike ride, and when she got us back to our starting point, she was young and beautiful, with her pink lipstick on. I gave her a big hug. In real life, I'm not sure when the last time I hugged her was. I'm a rule follower, and COVID social distancing guidelines don't allow hugging. I don't care about that, however. I know exactly how many times she told me she loved me while she was in her facility (I'd have to look in my journal to count), and I know when the last time is that she told me she loved me (at approximately 12:30 PM on Friday, March 12).

My condolences for the loss of your parents.

💚💛🧡💜💙


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## Melissa Brill (Feb 22, 2017)

ShamaMama said:


> Thank you so much, Melissa!
> 
> Such a similar story. My mom's mom lived to be 96, and my dad's mom lived to be 98, so I'd always assumed my mom would live into her 90s. Apparently, however, she'd had many conversations with my dad and my oldest sister about not wanting to stick around once her quality of life was seriously compromised, so we are all at peace with her being gone now. I still miss her like crazy, though, because she was one in a million. Last night I dreamed that she led my family on a really long bike ride, and when she got us back to our starting point, she was young and beautiful, with her pink lipstick on. I gave her a big hug. In real life, I'm not sure when the last time I hugged her was. I'm a rule follower, and COVID social distancing guidelines don't allow hugging. I don't care about that, however. I know exactly how many times she told me she loved me while she was in her facility (I'd have to look in my journal to count), and I know when the last time is that she told me she loved me (at approximately 12:30 PM on Friday, March 12).
> 
> ...


It is hard. I've written very little about Mom up til now even though it was over a year ago. The funny thing is that she was still so independent right before - we actually bought her a new (used) car the week she went into the "short-term" facility for PT - and she never drove it. I've had many dreams where she's been a part of them in a variety of different ways. In the long run though it was the right time - not only for her, but she died right before COVID really hit and given her state of health at that point in time and that she was in a care facility, there is very very little chance she could have survived it (I know that might sound a bit morbid). She chose her time. I won't say that it gets easy, but it does get easier as time goes by.


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## ShamaMama (Jul 27, 2015)

My mom got a new car shortly before suffering her aortic dissection and resulting open-heart surgery. Never being able to drive again surely contributed to her depression. The car has been sitting in my parents' garage for more than two years now.


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