# Why Melissa isn't getting married



## Havtahava (Aug 20, 2006)

So, have you really wondered why Melissa isn't getting married? Click here and you'll see why.

She doesn't even _wear _hose, much less keep that seam straight!

(_I think I ended up in the negative myself. _ Zoiks!)


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## Jane (Jun 2, 2007)

_Kimberly!!!!_ :biggrin1:


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## Dawna (Aug 3, 2006)

I am sitting here darning socks and planning my breakfast outfit.


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## Havtahava (Aug 20, 2006)

Dawna, did you notice that you really rake in the merits if you go to church and take the kids too, but let your husband sleep in on Sundays? Wow.

Jane, whaaaat?


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## Dawna (Aug 3, 2006)

I did see that. So I guess, if you really need to wear your hose crooked, as long as get the kids to Sunday School on time and keep practicing on your musical and conversational skills you can kinda balance out.


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## Jane (Jun 2, 2007)

I only see 12 questions for each column. There must be more for the complete test, otherwise the scoring doesn't make sense. Is the full test printed anywhere?

That is hilarious!

Kimberly, it must be your excessive use of red nail polish that put you in the negatives! eace:


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## Dawna (Aug 3, 2006)

Melissa can't wear hose, it makes her mermaid tatoo look all funky.


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## Havtahava (Aug 20, 2006)

Uh yeah, it was the nail polish! Ha ha!

I dunno Dawna, wait until I post the other pages!!! You may not balance out much... then again, YOU just might!  (Jane, yes, there are a bunch more. I'll see if I can add them.)


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## Dawna (Aug 3, 2006)

I read a reprint somewhere of a magazine article from the fifties listing the duties of a good wife or something ridiculous like that. Anyway, it said that when the husband gets home from work, the children should be clean and quiet and dressed for dinner. The wife should have his newpaper, pipe and slippers laid out for him next to his favorite chair. She should talk in a soothing manner because he has been working all day. 
Just seeing that in print nearly burned my retinas.


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## Jane (Jun 2, 2007)

Havtahava said:


> I dunno Dawna, wait until I post the other pages!!! You may not balance out much... then again, YOU just might!  (Jane, yes, there are a bunch more. I'll see if I can add them.)


Thanks, Kimberly! I'll just be hanging out here, patiently waiting, while I darn some socks.

Yeah, right! :suspicious:


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## Havtahava (Aug 20, 2006)

Marital Rating Scale


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## Havtahava (Aug 20, 2006)

#17 made me laugh out loud (The demerit side)

#37 is a head scratcher for me. Where else should I soak my stockings???


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## ama0722 (Nov 28, 2006)

I needed to read these after this week- I am really in trouble!!!


Can we find the one for husbands???


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## Havtahava (Aug 20, 2006)

Oh, I've got that one too, Amanda. BRB...


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## Havtahava (Aug 20, 2006)

Husband's Chart


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## ama0722 (Nov 28, 2006)

Okay we were made for each other- we both suck!


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## Havtahava (Aug 20, 2006)

LOL!!!


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## Lina (Apr 26, 2007)

Well, I FAIL at being a wife and Spencer totally WINS at being a husband. I guess our marriage is doomed. :suspicious:


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## Jane (Jun 2, 2007)

Lina said:


> Well, I FAIL at being a wife and Spencer totally WINS at being a husband. I guess our marriage is doomed. :suspicious:


I'm in the same boat....I never get up to make breakfast, so it's good that my hubby cheerfully makes his own!


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## DAJsMom (Oct 27, 2006)

My husband was pleased to know he is doing well because he doesn't write on the tablecloth with a pencil. Like we have tablecloths! Ha Ha! The kids would write on them with things far worse than pencils!! 

Well, I do occasionally use tablecloths. These are pretty funny quizzes though! Some things haven't changed much in the last 70 or 80 years. Other things have changed quite a bit!

I think I'll go paint my nails.


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## ivyagogo (Sep 11, 2007)

Dawna - I have a 1950s educational film about that. It shows how you should behave when your husband comes home from work. First, it shows the kids all screaming and the wife bombarding the husband with how awful her day was the moment he walks in the door. The husband completely flips his lid! Then it shows how you SHOULD behave when he gets home from his hard day at the office. It is so completely patronizing.

...runs to take off red nail polish


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## ivyagogo (Sep 11, 2007)

I just found this re-typed version which will be easier to email to all your family and friends so you can help them with their relationships:

Marital Rating Scale
Wife's Chart
George W. Crane, Ph. D., M.D.
(Copyright 1939)
In computing the score, check the various items under DEMERITS which fit the wife, and add the total. Each item counts one point unless specifically weighted as in the parentheses. Then check the items under MERITS which apply; now subtract the DEMERIT score from the MERIT score. The result is the wife's raw score. Interpret it according to this table:
Raw Scores Interpretation
0-24...............Very Poor
25-41..............Poor
42-58..............Average
59-75..............Superior
76 and up..........Very Superior

DEMERITS
1. Slow in coming to bed -- delays till husband is almost asleep.
2. Doesn't like children. (5)
3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly.
4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house.
5. Wears red nail polish.
6. Often late for appointments. (5)
7. Seams in hose often crooked.
8. Goes to bed with curlers on her hair or much face cream.
9. Puts her cold feet on husband at night to warm them.
10. Is a backseat driver.
11. Flirts with other men at parties or restaurants. (5)
12. Is suspicious and jealous. (5)
13. Uses slang or profanity. (5)
14. Smokes, drinks, gambles, or uses dope. (5)
15. Talks about former boy friends or first husband.
16. Squeezes tooth paste at the top.
17. Reminds husband it is her money they are living on. (5)
18. Tells family affairs to casual acquaintances, too talkative.
19. A chronic borrower--doesn't keep stocked up.
20. Slows up card game with chatter and gossip.
21. Opens husband's personal mail.
22. Frequently exceeds her allowance or family budget. (5)
23. Eats onions, radishes, or garlic before a date or going to bed.
24. Tells risque or vulgar stories. (5)
25. Wears pajamas while cooking.
26. Talks during movie, play or concert.
27. Is more than 15 pounds overweight.
28. Often whining or complaining.
29. Discourteous to sales clerks and hired help.
30. Shoulder straps hang over arms or slip is uneven and shows.
31. Fails to wash top of milk bottle before opening it.
32. Corrects husband's speech or actions before others. (5)
33. Saves punishment of children for father at night. (5)
34. Serves dinner but fails to sit down till meal is half over--then wants husband to wait for her.
35. Wears pajamas instead of nightgown.
36. Fails to bathe or brush teeth often enough. (5)
37. Puts stockings to soak in wash basin.
38. Serves too much from tin cans or the delicatessen store.
39. Visits mother too often--a spoiled child.
40. Is snobbish or too much concerned in "keeping up with the Jones."
41. Dislikes husband's hobbies as fishing, baseball, etc.
42. Tells lies--not dependable. (5)
43. Doesn't want to get up to prepare breakfast.
44. Insists on driving the car when husband is along.
45. Smokes in bed or has cigarette stained fingers.
46. Cries, sulks or pouts too much.
47. Makes evening engagements without consulting her husband.
48. Talks too long on the phone.
49. Is a gossip.
50. Walks around house in stocking feet.

MERITS
1. A good hostess--even to unexpected guests.
2. Has meals on time.
3. Can carry on an interesting conversation.
4. Can play a musical instrument, as piano, violin, etc.
5. Dresses for breakfast.
6. Neat housekeeper--tidy and clean.
7. Personally puts children to bed.
8. Never goes to bed angry, always makes up first. (5)
9. Asks husband's opinions regarding important decisions and purchases.
10. Good sense of humor--jolly and gay.
11. Religious--sends children to church or Sunday school and goes herself.
12. Lets husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays.
13. Encourages thrifty--economical. (5)
14. Laughs at husband's jokes and his clowning.
15. Ambitious for her family--urges higher attainment.
16. Belongs to parent-teacher club, or child study group.
17. A good cook--serves balanced meals. (5)
18. Tries to become acquainted with husband's business or trade.
19. Greets husband at night with a smile.
20. Has a pleasant disposition in the morning--not crabby.
21. Keeps snacks in refrigerator for late eating.
22. Likes educational and cultural things.
23. Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress. (10)
24. Faithful and true to husband. (10)
25. Has pleasant voice--not strident.
26. Has spunk--will defend her ideals and religion.
27. Praises husband in public.
28. Writes often and lovingly when away from husband.
29. Writes to husband's parents regularly.
30. Willing to assist husband at office or shop.
31. Sympathetic--likes children and unfortunates. (5)
32. Keeps hair neatly combed or shampooed and waved.
33. Often comments on husband's strength and masculinity.
34. Good seamstress--can make her own clothes or the children's clothes.
35. Gives husband shampoo or manicure.
36. Keeps husband's clothes clean and presses.
37. Bravely carries on during financial depression.
38. Healthy or courageous and uncomplaining.
39. Keeps self dainty, perfumed and feminine.
40. Is of same religion as her husband. (5)
41. Has minor children to care for. (5 points per child)
42. On friendly terms with neighbors.
43. Fair and just in settling the children's quarrels with others.
44. Likes to vacation with husband.
45. An active member of some women's organization.
46. Often tells husband she loves him. (5)
47. Polite and mannerly even when alone with husband.
48. Willing to get a job to help support the home.
49. Praises marriage before young women contemplating it.
50. Is unselfish and kind-hearted.

This test represents the composite opinions of 600 husbands who were asked to list chief merits and demerits of their wives. They talked frankly. I have summarized the most frequently voiced flaws and virtues and have weighted those items which, in my judgment as a psychologist and physician, are especially important in marriage. I commend this test to the attention of all intelligent women who aspire to make their marriages both permanent and happy. Young women contemplating matrimony might very profitably use this test as a practical guide.
Dr George W. Crane


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## Judy A (Jan 13, 2007)

# 25 and #35....double whamey there....two demerits if you wear your pajamas to bed and then, God forbid, you keep them on to fix breakfast! Geez, at least you fixed breakfast! I guess I need to get a sexy nightgown so when I take the dogs out in the AM, all the world can see that I'm a great wife!! 
Oh, BTW, I'm thinking some men might regret women going to work to help support the family.....it looks like they had it made when the little woman was home! LOL!


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## Leeann (Feb 28, 2007)

Seeing how my husband scored very well I guess I will keep him, just dont let him see this test or I might be looking for a new home.


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## pjewel (Apr 11, 2007)

Judy A said:


> # 25 and #35....double whamey there....two demerits if you where your pajamas to bed and then, God forbid, you keep them on to fix breakfast! Geez, at least you fixed breakfast! I guess I need to get a sexy nightgown so when I take the dogs out in the AM, all the world can see that I'm a great wife!!
> Oh, BTW, I'm thinking some men might regret women going to work to help support the family.....it looks like they had it made when the little woman was home! LOL!


ound: ound: ound:


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## KristinFusco (Jun 5, 2007)

ound:

Kimberly,

Thanks for the great laugh! I know where I would've been heading in the 1930's, straight to a convent or wife reform school because apparently I would not be marriage material! Thank goodness things have progressed since then! If I couldn't have a time-consuming but personally rewarding career, swear, play sports, speak my mind, wear red nail polish, or hire a cleaning lady, ummm....I don't know if I would find life worth living to tell you the truth  My husband will think this is hilarious! Hmmmm maybe I shouldn't show him this, he might start getting ideas :suspicious:


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## mckennasedona (Feb 20, 2007)

This is hysterical. Now I have to print it out and take the test.


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## Kathy (Nov 9, 2006)

Oh my, you all have too much time on your hands!!! LOLOLOL, I want you all to know though I scored very high, as I get up dressed daily and cook breakfast for the whole family, I wear my nylons with the seam straight, in fact, truth be known, I do it all!!!


Now, if you all believe that, I also have some swamp land to sell you too! ROTFLMA!!!!

Thank God things have changed!!!!


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## Me&2Girls (May 11, 2007)

Kathy I was thinking the same thing - Kimberly must be getting bored with her mobster games! LOL

Actually, since I'm both (being single) I scored very well - just need to make sure I don't get married and then I'd flunk for sure.


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## Kathy (Nov 9, 2006)

Me&2Girls said:


> Kathy I was thinking the same thing - Kimberly must be getting bored with her mobster games! LOL
> 
> Actually, since I'm both (being single) I scored very well - just need to make sure I don't get married and then I'd flunk for sure.


Yes Lisa, staying single ensures you are the best!!!


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## Leslie (Feb 28, 2007)

Great way to start a Friday! Thanks for the laughs! ound:


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## suzyfrtz (Nov 12, 2007)

Dawna said:


> I read a reprint somewhere of a magazine article from the fifties listing the duties of a good wife or something ridiculous like that. Anyway, it said that when the husband gets home from work, the children should be clean and quiet and dressed for dinner. The wife should have his newpaper, pipe and slippers laid out for him next to his favorite chair. She should talk in a soothing manner because he has been working all day.
> Just seeing that in print nearly burned my retinas.


Well, DH and I both grew up in the '50's and I assure you the description above was not real life! My mother worked as well as my dad and she would come home and read the New York Daily News. (Of course to be fair, my grandmother lived with us and fixed dinner!) Dad NEVER wore slippers..or a robe or pj's for that matter...I think he wore boxers (he would have a fit if I should see him in them! Now my grandson wears his boxers for all to see! LOL!) My dear m-i-l was a farm wife - cows, horses, chickens, kids - need I say more?
I remember my favorite neighbor from NY - her name was Flo, she not only wore red nail polish on her nails,but on her toes, and smoked, and drove a car! I was fascinated! I loved her!

And I was seldom clean and hardly ever quiet!

Suzy AKA Sue


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## Jane (Jun 2, 2007)

Thanks, Kimberly! This is the most entertaining thing I've seen in quite awhile! I'm going to send it to all my friends who are wives 

Ivy, did you find a text version of the husband's test too? Thanks for posting the wife one!


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## Dawna (Aug 3, 2006)

Suzy,
THANK GOODNESS!!! That makes me feel SOOOOO much better.
Now I'm convinced that 'psychiatrist' was just trying to convince a lot of women to be 'better' wives. LOLOLOL
Dawna


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## EstrellaVila (Nov 30, 2007)

This is hilarious, I am filling mine out right now!!


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## Melissa Miller (Aug 2, 2006)

Havtahava said:


> Dawna, did you notice that you really rake in the merits if you go to church and take the kids too, but let your husband sleep in on Sundays? Wow.
> 
> Jane, whaaaat?


I have not even read this entire thread.. but I am already laughing.

If I go to Dawnas church, I JUST might get married! HOLY HOT COWBOYS, PRAISE THE LORD!


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## Melissa Miller (Aug 2, 2006)

PS What are nylons? HAHAHA


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## JASHavanese (Apr 24, 2007)

Where is the one for MEN? I usually like to pass tests but I sure flunked that one.


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## JASHavanese (Apr 24, 2007)

suzyfrtz said:


> Well, DH and I both grew up in the '50's and I assure you the description above was not real life! My mother worked as well as my dad and she would come home and read the New York Daily News. (Of course to be fair, my grandmother lived with us and fixed dinner!) Dad NEVER wore slippers..or a robe or pj's for that matter...I think he wore boxers (he would have a fit if I should see him in them! Now my grandson wears his boxers for all to see! LOL!) My dear m-i-l was a farm wife - cows, horses, chickens, kids - need I say more?
> I remember my favorite neighbor from NY - her name was Flo, she not only wore red nail polish on her nails,but on her toes, and smoked, and drove a car! I was fascinated! I loved her!
> 
> And I was seldom clean and hardly ever quiet!
> ...


4 paws up to you Suzy!!!


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## irnfit (Nov 21, 2006)

Somebody should have shown me this test 38 yrs ago. Maybe I'd still be single - just me and my Havs. :biggrin1:


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## Me&2Girls (May 11, 2007)

Michelle - congrats on 38 years. I'm just me, 2 girls and my Havanese and well, we're not quite sure Buddy really is a Maltese, but hey, I just love being single!


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