# My Mom and Her Mom.



## Petaluna (May 9, 2008)

Just wondering if anyone can relate to this, and whether you have stories to share about your mothers and grandmothers, and what they have taught you.

Mother's Day and my recent trip to PA for my maternal grandma's memorial brought up a lot of stuff for me, mainly a combination of appreciation and guilt for what both she and my mother have sacrificed for their families. They were both (and my mother still is) really selfless, compassionate and giving women. Non-judging and nurturing. I wish I could say I learned from their example, but I have some big shoes to fill and am much more selfish than the two of them put together.

I was looking at old pictures of my mom that my cousin brought - of her at the beach with friends, at graduation, on outings... she was tall and beautiful, really looked happy. She had a social life, close friends, aspirations outside of taking care of a family. I think most of that went out the window when she moved to Michigan, got married to my dad, started working with him 24/7 at his business, had the 3 of us kids, and had to take care of everybody. My father still depends heavily on her. They stopped going to church by the time we were in high school because of the business, and church was important to her, she stopped playing the organ, stopped seeing friends. It's all been about taking care of everyone around her, and based on my dad's business decisions, they now have zero retirement fund and only minimal social security as income. She was under so much stress for so many years, I think it precipitated her heart problems, and yet she still would give you the shirt off her back, and the first thing she always asks of me is "how can I help..?" which kinda breaks my heart because it should be HER turn, I want to help her, and there is so much I can't fix. She's still got a very positive attitude, never puts her stuff on other people, and has decided despite their circumstances to take it day by day, being grateful for what she has. I sometimes feel like I don't know how I got so lucky with her as my mother, like I should get on my knees in front of this woman, and she still feels like she made too many mistakes as a parent. What? I don't even know what she means. 

I wanted her to have a nice, neat little condo at this point in her life, spending time with the grand kids, not having to scramble, but things are very different because of the man that she chose (my father) and the resultant path she took for him because she's not as stubborn and demanding as I am. (Though I can rarely say no to my dad, either.) 

I don't know where I'm going with this, I guess this past weekend just made my own selfish desires and shortcomings glaringly obvious to me. I think I would have tried to make her life easier when I was growing up if I'd been able to see her as she was before we all descended on her. It's not something I really got until well into adulthood. 

Can you tell I'm tired and emotional from not sleeping and a new puppy... ? :bolt:


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## Carefulove (Mar 20, 2009)

Diane,

My mom is pretty much like yours, with the only difference that she was divorced at 31 and left with two children (my sister was 10 and I was 5). She was the mom, the dad, the daughter, sister and teacher, etc. She had friends but her life was always around me and my sister, so we saw our mom age alone. She only found love again in 2003 and got married by 2005. She now has a beautiful Condo 7 minutes away from my house that her husband bought for her, she drives a beautiful car that he gave her for her birthday and spends her day visiting her grandchildren's school for field trips, going to baseball games and being LOVED by them, us and this wonderful man that was able to make my mom's eyes shine again!
As a lucky daughter that I think I am (because, I am very lucky to have such a woman as a mother), I don't let more than a few hours pass without telling my mom how much I love her. Literally, we speak minimum 4-5 times a day and every time, I tell her how much I love her.
According to her, that is one of the most rewarding things in her life, as well as enjoying how much her grandchildren love her! (they adore her).
I am doing my best to be at least the mother that my mom was. I also have big shoes to fill and I don't think I will ever be like her, but am sure trying. 

PS: I always enjoy talking about my momma, she has been and will always be my role model! :amen:


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## Petaluna (May 9, 2008)

Thanks for sharing that, Zury. That's fantastic the way things turned out for her, it sounds like she earned it. 

I "talk" to my mom more often than I think I would otherwise because of instant messaging. We are both on the computer a lot during the day.


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## Scooter's Family (May 23, 2008)

My mom passed away in 2003 after a struggle with Alzheimer's Disease. She was diagnosed just after my father died from a ten year battle with lung cancer in 1998. We really thought it was going to be "her" time, time to visit with all the kids and grandkids because she hated to be apart from our dad, but then we got her devastating diagnosis. Through both of their illnesses they never said, "Why me?", or indulged in self-pity, usually they were making jokes!

I had amazing parents who had a 49 year love affair! They had 8 children in 15 years and were always there for us. Financially we struggled, my dad was a New York State Trooper, but in later years he changed to private security and they were comfortable. They set an incredible example for all of us as parents.

Mother's Day and Father's Day are always bittersweet for me, I love to think about the memories but still miss them both every day. I was the youngest of the 8 so I only remember one grandfather, the rest died before I was born.

We now try to have a family trip every few years at the beach where we all meet with our families and it's so much fun! Our kids love hearing the stories from when we were all kids and we laugh so hard our faces and stomachs hurt. I have all of the family photos, including slides which my husband transferred to his computer so we can all enjoy them.

For everyone who still has their parents, spend as much time with them as you can! Listen to their stories, even if you've heard them a million times, because one day you'll wish you could hear them again!


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## Evye's Mom (Dec 16, 2008)

Scooter's Family said:


> For everyone who still has their parents, spend as much time with them as you can! Listen to their stories, even if you've heard them a million times, because one day you'll wish you could hear them again!


So true. I wish so much for the opportunity to "roll my eyes" at my Mom's so boring story just one more time.


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## RikiDaisyDixie (Apr 15, 2008)

*sleep deprivation...*

You know that more than 48 hours without sleep really taxes the brain and a can actually bring on hallucinations and very bizarre behaviors...which is why new mommies often are so crazy.

Women are fortunate these days to have what we have. Women weren't allowed to own property alone in some states nor have credit cards in their own names until the early 70s in some states.

We all need to be current in all our relationships...letting those we care about know and never leaving someone angry.

Give that puppy some kisses. I think she misses her mama and her siblings...and will get it, I promise! Happy dreaming...


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## JASHavanese (Apr 24, 2007)

Petaluna said:


> Can you tell I'm tired and emotional from not sleeping and a new puppy... ? :bolt:


Yup, we can tell you're emotional 
I grew up with my mother and grandmother. My mom was the daughter of the devil, my gram was one awesome women. Any way my mom could hurt people, she did, including hiring a man to beat her only friend in the eyes because she wore contacts and figured she'd blind her that way and tried to run my (now ex) husband over with her car and when he jumped out of the way at the last second, she slammed into the side of my apt. That's just a couple of her mild antics.
My gram on the other hand was so full of love so I relied heavily on her and hopefully took after her instead of her daughter. A few years of therapy really helped me in that direction.
And since we're talking about personal things lately, my oldest daughter found a nickel size lump on her breast and has a dr appt the 25th. Any and all prayers are really welcome.


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## karin117 (Mar 29, 2008)

I am so, so sorry to hear about your doughter!!!! 
I know this is hard, but try to remember...not all lumps are malign...I know for my own experice...I had a lump in one of my brest a few years ago...and after examinations it turnd out to be benigm...
I had some scary moments...and since I have friends that had brest cancer (and survuved it...but went thru some hard years) I was terrified...But it did turn out well...and I thank all the higher spirits for it...

I feel that language limits me when I try to talk about more komplex things...


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## Scooter's Family (May 23, 2008)

Jan-Will pray for your daughter that all turns out well. I'm sorry you're going to have to worry and wonder until then.

Karin-You do so well with English!!!


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## Carefulove (Mar 20, 2009)

Scooter's Family said:


> ...For everyone who still has their parents, spend as much time with them as you can! Listen to their stories, even if you've heard them a million times, because one day you'll wish you could hear them again!


I am sorry about your parents, but I agree with you about keeping the memories alive. We go away (usually Disney and the beach) with my father and his family every other year and do this. WE (the kids, now in our 30s and all with children) enjoy it immensely!

I agree 100%. People often value what they had once they loose it.



JASHavanese said:


> ...And since we're talking about personal things lately, my oldest daughter found a nickel size lump on her breast and has a dr appt the 25th. Any and all prayers are really welcome.


I will be thinking of your daughter and will keep her in my prayers Jan. It is super important for her and you to stay positive. Positive thinking does a mind and body wonders.


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## Petaluna (May 9, 2008)

HI Jan, I will be thinking of her as well and hope it is just a cyst. I have fibrocystic breasts with a number of large lumps, I had one removed a long time ago. Just fyi, I am seeing a new M.D. who has a holistic approach to medicine, sort of one foot in both camps, and he is really big on supporting the thyroid with iodine and natural thyroid hormone in cases where people are found to be deficient - apparently the vast majority of americans are iodine deficient, and he told me that long term deficiency leads to hormonal cancers - breast, ovary, prostate, etc. Iodine supplementation and balancing the thyroid can also help reverse fibrocystic breast disease and cystic ovaries. The reason I bring it up is that fibroid cysts are often quite large (nickel sized sounds large to me) and mine seem to show up suddenly, but sort of come and go, or will be more noticeable right before my period. I have only been on the therapy for a few months, but so far lumps are softer and less soreness with PMS. If that's what she has - fibroid cyst - it might be worth exploring iodine therapy and hormonal balancing. I actually found a gnynecologist in my area who is aware of iodine's role in thyroid health and is on board with that too, I think it's going to become more widely known and used - at least I hope it is. It's actually sort of an old "remedy."


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## JeanMarie (Mar 2, 2008)

Sending positive thoughts for your daughter, Jan. It definately could be a cyst, but the waiting to know is awful. ((hugs))


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## Lunastar (Feb 9, 2009)

JASHavanese said:


> And since we're talking about personal things lately, my oldest daughter found a nickel size lump on her breast and has a dr appt the 25th. Any and all prayers are really welcome.


Jan Big prayers going up for your daughter. Is the 25th the earliest she could get in? Such horrible wait. Please let us know.


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## JASHavanese (Apr 24, 2007)

Karin, your English is great. I've got one foot almost in Mexico and still haven't learned the language although I hear it all day long.
Thanks for the good thoughts everyone for my daughter. She's staying positive as am I. Being her Mom, I still worry about her though. I wish you all could meet her. She's one amazing woman, so full of love, and always helping anyone she can.
Hurricane Katrina STILL has their lives messed up (like so many that live there) so this better be simple as she has no health care insurance yet works 10-12 hours a day.


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## karin117 (Mar 29, 2008)

Jan, thank you for your kind word on my languange skills...I feel it limits be quite a bit. I am a "talker" in my work, and I love to write...and words are like a "toy" for me. Here I feel like I often come out a bit strict...But I am working on it...

Back to your doughter. I am glad that she keep a high spirit, everything...both sience AND common knowledge say that DOES make a differens...But I understand that you all are worried...I was just going to tell the story about my lump...but I will not...this is YOUR doughter we are talking about...not ME and MY lump...

The health insuranse bit are so strange for me....Since I live in sweden...everyone have the same right to the same care...There was a BIG hello here in Sweden when our "Statminister" kind of your president...but not exactley...went before in the line for surgery...ha had a bad hip, and did a hip replacement...(this was a few years ago...and a different minister).

But Sweden do have the highest tax pressure in the world...
It is a mixed question for me, I like the idéa that everyone is equal...but the taxpressure make it difficult for smaller buisniss to be able to get going...and of course it effect me as a privat person.

Wath happend with the storm...Did they lose everyting....and are still paying?Wath happend in US when "force majore" come in the picture...like a storm taking away your house and property?


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## Lunastar (Feb 9, 2009)

Karin you english is very good. I had a friend from sweden along time ago that tried to teach me swedish, we laughed alot I learned nothing. Some of those vowel sounds just don't come out of my mouth. haha You do have a wonderful healthcare system there. 

After a storm here it depends. If you have insurance on your house your insurance company should pay for your repairs less your deductable. Unfortunately you generally have to fight the insurance companies to get them to pay. At least that was my experience. It took almost a year to get what we needed to repair the house. Of course the insurance companies kept hoping I would settle for a lessor amount. If you have no insurance I think you are on your own. I know one person who is still living with damage from the 2004 hurricanes. She is fixing it as she can afford to. 

What happens there in Sweden when some force destroys your home?


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## JASHavanese (Apr 24, 2007)

Karin, post more, you do great! Your health care system sounds pretty nice. We get taxed ten ways to Sunday here already but we're so used to it that I think we forget how much we actually do pay. With my business I had to pay taxes every year on the same fixtures and equipment....over and over I paid taxes on the same things that I paid them on the year before. And something the public isn't told is that a business owner charges you X amount of tax but if the business pays their taxes on time, you don't send all of that tax money to the state, you keep about 2% of it. I was stunned when I found that out and it still ticks me off. Gas tax is insane, cigarette tax, ditto and I'm sure there are things I'm forgetting because i'm used to it.
As far as hurricane Katrina, the insurance companies were worse than jerks. They went down streets that still had houses standing and gee, each one came out to 10,000 in damage. Months after they decided that, the money was sent to the lean holder on the house and sat there a couple of months and some of the lien holders decided the owner of the house didn't need that much money and sent part of it back to the insurance company. At that point in time, any house still standing was worth a fortune so the lien holders really wanted to repo them to sell them for high dollar. My daughter had over 200,000 in damages to her house and got 8,000 after the lien holder sent 2,000 back to the insurance company. My son in law owned a mortgage company that did well and he had just taken my daughter on her dream vacation and spent a fortune on it. He didn't think anything about it since he was due to get a paycheck of 70,000 the week after they got home. One day before he got that money, the hurricane hit so no paycheck. They wouldn't allow anyone to buy or rebuild right away so he couldn't do any mortgage work and that went on for quite a while. He tried to rebuild the company but they have put so many restrictions on getting a mortgage that it's unreal. He went to work for a building company where he got things to fix his house for pennies on the dollar. Getting a new roof was anywhere from 8,000 to 20,000 and you waited in line for one because everyone needed a new roof and they had a lack of workers and a lack of materials.
There are still people living in trailers and it's so strange to see a satellite dish on them, but to get TV that's what they do. Since my daughter's house was still standing, all of my son in law's family moved in with them. His sister's house was in the middle of a road, his parents house was flooded over the ceiling, etc. There were 12 of them and about 6 months after they moved in, FEMA put a trailer in the front yard for the parents of my son in law which helped a lot. 
Then there were the credit companies.... My daughter stayed here for 4 months after the hurricane and I saw her bills. On them, they said we see by your zip code that you were affected by hurricane Katrina and we'd like to help you by giving you several months (I forget how many) without having to make a payment. That was about the only thing that went 'right' and we thought, wow, someone really CARES?'. What a joke, those nice credit card companies reported everyone to the credit reporting agencies as late pays. People are still hunting for jobs there and their credit is destroyed.
And then we have both candidates running for presidency saying there will never be another Katrina situation yet do nothing for the people still affected by it. 
If you want to see what Katrina was really like, watch the video Refuge of Last Resort. It was shot by a few people who lived through it and didn't wind up getting herded like cattle behind enclosed pens and everything the news couldn't report.
Can you tell what my anger level is when I get on this subject? Sorry. 
About your lump, do feel free to talk about it. We care about all here.


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## mimismom (Feb 15, 2009)

Jan, it seems like Katrina affected everyone! My sister's husband lost his job due to the lack of building and the restriction set on everyone. He was an electrician... They are currently living in their in laws home due to being unable to afford a home payment. 

It is just so unfortunate!

I hope that the lump is just a scare and nothing serious. She will be in my prayers.


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## JASHavanese (Apr 24, 2007)

mimismom said:


> Jan, it seems like Katrina affected everyone! My sister's husband lost his job due to the lack of building and the restriction set on everyone. He was an electrician... They are currently living in their in laws home due to being unable to afford a home payment.
> 
> It is just so unfortunate!
> 
> I hope that the lump is just a scare and nothing serious. She will be in my prayers.


My daughter got checked today and it's just a swollen gland. :cheer2: Thank you all so much for all the good thoughts for her. :hug:
I'm sorry for what your sister's family is going through. There are so many still affected by Katrina. HBO has been running a lot of tape about it but it's long forgotten by the news. As long as the French Quarter looks good, all must be well. Drive a couple of streets away and you start seeing the real aftermath.


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## karin117 (Mar 29, 2008)

I am soooo glad to hear about you doughter Jan...I have been thinking of you both.


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## Scooter's Family (May 23, 2008)

Happy to hear she got good news Jan!


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## marb42 (Oct 19, 2008)

Jan, I am so happy to hear that your daughter is okay and so sorry to see what she and her family have been through due to Hurricane Katrina. What the insurance companies have done is criminal, and I hope that things will turn around for them. And by the way, it sickens me that our country does not look out for each and every one of it's citizens by providing healthcare for everyone no matter what. We pay enough taxes to provide it, but they choose to spend it elsewhere. There are so many other countries that have managed to ensure their people always have healthcare.:focus: Diane and the others had such beautiful stories about their mothers! I understand how you feel, Diane, as my parents are now in the same situation due to a business decision my father made. They should be retiring in five years, but their retirement has been wiped out and they have almost lost their house. They now work long hours, and life isn't how it should be for them at this age. But, through it all, my mom has remained positive, supportive and far more selfless than I could ever be. 
Gina


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## Lunastar (Feb 9, 2009)

Jan I am so happy to hear your daughters good news. 

Gina I am with you. All the taxes we pay everyone here should have the most excellent health care. I also think those whose greed is responsible for this economic crisis should have to give up everything they own to bailout the companies and people they robbed from.


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