# How does Hospis know?



## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

My Dad was given 3mo to live about a year ago. His heart is not pumping enough blood and it is slowly pumping less and less.He is 87 years old and also has Dementia.
We went to visit him two weeks ago and noticed a huge difference enough to get Hospis back. We had them last year but he didn't need them. Any way the nurse thinks he only has about two weeks left to live. 
How do you tell a loved one it is okay to let go? He is not in good shape and it is time. I was thinking of doing our power of prayer our fourm does so well but I would really like to be their and I wouldn't want it to be so powerful that I would not have time to get their. Sounds silly ha. Do you think Death is harder on the ones left ? I hope my Dad is at peace.


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## The Laughing Magpie (Aug 20, 2009)

Oh Suzy, I am so sorry to read about your Dad. It sounds like he has CHF, it can be treated for many years but in the end the heart is just too tired to work. It is not a painful death and usually they just go to sleep. You are right, it is harder on the ones left behind.

I am remarried after being a widow, my late DH was very sick with heart problems the last 5 yrs of this life. Truth be told 6 months after our marriage he had a massive heart attack and was left with only 25% of function. In the last 5 yrs of his life he had many mini strokes, it affected the frontal lobe of his brain, 1 month before he died he had a massive stroke, he did not die and they though he would recover some what. He did not because the damage was happening for a two week period before it showed up on a CT scan, the right side of his brain was gone. The reason I am telling you this is because, I use to do risk management, this means I know lots of medical stuff (stuff most people need never know). When they came to talk to me about long term care or what we could do, they were very suprised and I think it took a load of the doctor. I did not take his feeding tube away or take away the oxgen, he could only have his reg. drugs that happened before the stroke, no new drugs and no increase of drugs, he just needed to be comfortable. He died of CHF 1 and a half days after being transfered to a rest home and that talk. He had a very peaceful death. He would have never woke up.

I know it is hard to say good bye and hard to be strong. It is the ones left behind who grieve, he is going on a journey, and it is not your time. He will always be with you. Hugs


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## kimnaz (Feb 15, 2011)

Sorry to hear about your dad. My prayers are with you and your family.


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## dodrop82 (May 21, 2010)

So sorry Suzi! Bad night on the forum! Eyes are gonna be to swollen tomorrow to leave the house...Praying for peace for you and yours! XO!


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## davetgabby (Dec 29, 2007)

My thoughts are with you Suzi, It's not easy for sure. Went through a bit of this with my dad too.


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## Tony & Milo (Nov 25, 2010)

My thoughts and prayers are with you Suzi


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks you guys:hug:
I keep thinking he has had a few strokes lately. His speech was a bit slurred. He also has been put on seizure meds because of tremors after that he can't walk anymore. He had a MRI and we never really knew what was causing it. The shaking almost stopped but he can barley open his eyes.
It was good for me to write you guys because it is helping to prepare me. My plan is to leave tomorrow.


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## Kathie (Jul 31, 2008)

Suzi, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I can see myself in your place in the future since my dad also has dementia and COPD. He lives with us now so I feel good about being able to spend time with him even though he doesn't really know who I am.

I am praying for your dad to have a peaceful passing and that you will be able to see him before it happens.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

Kathie said:


> Suzi, I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I can see myself in your place in the future since my dad also has dementia and COPD. He lives with us now so I feel good about being able to spend time with him even though he doesn't really know who I am.
> 
> I am praying for your dad to have a peaceful passing and that you will be able to see him before it happens.


 Thanks Kathie,
We really wanted dad to come live here. We have a step mother who could no longer take care of him. She wanted to be near him so we found a foster care home very close to where she lives. She is with him every day. You are blessed to be able to have him near you. Dad's memory is bad but he still knows who we are. 
When he first got to his new home he escaped out the front door. Had everyone really worried. The police found him 80 blocks away near the Zoo in Seattle he had only been at his new home for about three weeks we have no idea how he did that when he could barley walk a couple blocks without getting dizzy. He still had his wrist band on from the week long stay at Virginia mason Hospital so they were able to identify him . He didn't remember why or how he got their.


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## Julie (Feb 8, 2007)

We have been through some of this as well with my husband's mother. She had cancer and fought it tooth and nail as it spread and spread and spread. Treatment after treatment and her quality of life seemed not-so-good from a DIL standpoint. When she finally did pass away...it was almost a relief. I know that must sound awful,but she suffered for 10 years and each year it would get worse and go to something else. Breast,glands,brain etc.I know now that she is no longer suffering and although she is missed,she is in a much better place. No one is ever gone as long as you keep the memories alive. My Dad passed away 11 years ago now and to this day....I miss him and think of him often. It isn't as "raw" as it was...but I was there till he took his last breath and I knew I had to be.....but it has been a huge struggle to get past those last 30 minutes or so. Years and years of good memories and for some reason,the last 30 minutes was implanted in my mind. Every person passes in a different way--some peaceful,some not-so much.....but whatever you do---choose what is right for you,trust your Dad knows how much you love him,and always remember the good times. Enjoy every single moment you have with him here....because those of us who have walked similar paths know how important those moments are.

:angel::hug::angel::hug:


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

Thank you Julie, I love the little angel kisses. I hope I am not opening up too many sad feelings for you guys. I hadn't been able to cry tell I started writing and reading your stories. thanks:hug:


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## Julie (Feb 8, 2007)

It is good to get out Suzi----cry----whatever you need to do.
I still sometimes have days or times I cry and people look at me like WTH? That's okay--I have a memory that has passed in my mind and made me sad and I'm gonna cry and get it out. It helps me.


Don't worry about us---:grouphug: We want to HELP YOU. :grouphug:


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## Flynn Gentry-Taylor (Jan 17, 2008)

There is not much I can say that has not been said better here. Just know my thoughts are with you. Hugs and prayers to you and your family


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## ls-indy (Apr 10, 2008)

I'm so sorry about your Dad, Suzi. I lost mine 21 years ago and (like Julie) the pain isn't now as raw and I remember the good times more than the last year of his life. He had kidney cancer. 

Being Irish - he told me he wanted me to have everyone over to the house after the funeral.... to play his music (big band and dixieland) and to spend twice a much on the booze as I did on the food. When he passed, my mom was at a loss regarding what he would have wanted. She was glad to find out he had that conversation with me. He was a member of the Elks. The bartender from the Elks came to help out and we played his music and "spent more money on the booze than the food". As weird as it sounds - it was a good afternoon. We heard so many wonderful stories from Dad's friends about things he'd said or done in the past and allowed us to see other sides of my father that we would never have known about....

Praying for your Dad, you and your family.....


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## mckennasedona (Feb 20, 2007)

Suzy, my thoughts and prayers are with you. My dad passed in 2000 and was out of it for several days beforehand. I know he knew we were all around him though. He had 14 family members surrounding his bed. My mom told him that we all loved him and that it was okay to go, and he did. He hadn't been sick but he had surgery for an anurysm and though he came out of the surgery just fine, he had a reaction to the oxygen during surgery due to a heart med he was on. He was one of the unlucky 2% who have the reaction. It caused something like pulmonary fibrosis.
My FIL, who lives with us, suffers from COPD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, heart problems (only about 30% usage), has a pacemaker etc. He doesn't suffer from dementia and is doing very well under our care.Thankfully, he is able to take care of himself, but I know the day will come when things change. Like you, it will be time to tell him it is okay to go. 
DH just attended a funeral for a former co-worker who suffered from breast cancer that eventually spread all over her body. A week ago, she asked all of her friends to an early birthday party. One week later, she died. It was almost as if she knew and wanted to say goodbye to everyone. As sad as it is, it is also a blessing to her and to her family. No more pain or suffering or simply awaiting the inevitable. She's in a better place and her husband and son can begin to move on after many years of having dealing with the misery of cancer.
Wishing you peace......


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

Linda, It sounds like your dad had the kind of gathering I would like!Only I would want Beatles and Beer and three times the food.
My sister and I have been going up to Seattle at least once a month for about a year now lately almost every weekend. In tell resent we ask him where he would like to go for dinner and its always the Seattle yacht club. He likes to go their because he thinks he is treating us to dinner. My sister always gives my step mom a check because they live on social security. The yacht club gave him a honerey membership because of his age. He always orders a stiff drink called a old fashioned we sneak and tell the bartender to make it weak.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

mckennasedona said:


> Suzy, my thoughts and prayers are with you. My dad passed in 2000 and was out of it for several days beforehand. I know he knew we were all around him though. He had 14 family members surrounding his bed. My mom told him that we all loved him and that it was okay to go, and he did. He hadn't been sick but he had surgery for an anurysm and though he came out of the surgery just fine, he had a reaction to the oxygen during surgery due to a heart med he was on. He was one of the unlucky 2% who have the reaction. It caused something like pulmonary fibrosis.
> My FIL, who lives with us, suffers from COPD, Rheumatoid Arthritis, heart problems (only about 30% usage), has a pacemaker etc. He doesn't suffer from dementia and is doing very well under our care.Thankfully, he is able to take care of himself, but I know the day will come when things change. Like you, it will be time to tell him it is okay to go.
> DH just attended a funeral for a former co-worker who suffered from breast cancer that eventually spread all over her body. A week ago, she asked all of her friends to an early birthday party. One week later, she died. It was almost as if she knew and wanted to say goodbye to everyone. As sad as it is, it is also a blessing to her and to her family. No more pain or suffering or simply awaiting the inevitable. She's in a better place and her husband and son can begin to move on after many years of having dealing with the misery of cancer.
> Wishing you peace......


 Telling Dad it's okay to go is so hard. Every weekend I have been wanting to do that. He was told he is terminal last May but with in a day he forgot. What is weird he told my step mom the Hospis nurse said he only had a couple of weeks . My sister told me she talked to the nurse the same day about getting him massages he said you only get three and it might be better to wait. Last weekend he kept talking about wanting a birthday party and asked us to call his best friend. Now I think he is the one that knows he is leaving us. Now I'm crying


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## dbeech (Jun 16, 2009)

I am so sorry that you and your Dad are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Lizzie'sMom (Oct 13, 2010)

Suzi, I am so sorry about your dad. Spend time with him and let him know how much you love him. You are in my prayers.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

I have decided to use this post as a way for me to write about my thoughts and memories of my father. I do not expect you guys to read about him I know you all have your own lives it is just a way for me to put some thoughts into words and maybe come up with a speech for is wake. I am not good at getting up in front of a crowed but would really like to do that because I know he will be their in spirit.


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## motherslittlehelper (Mar 18, 2010)

Suzi, I am sorry about your Dad. It is so hard to see our parents go through this.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

motherslittlehelper said:


> Suzi, I am sorry about your Dad. It is so hard to see our parents go through this.


 It is hard. A part of me thinks I had better start exercising quit smoking eat right live tell I'm 100. Dad exercised, didn't smoke, never had to take medication tell last may and he did love his ice cream It has been hard on him to loose his memory. 
It started about 3years ago maybe 4. He invited me to go skiing over in Sun Valley Idaho.Sun Valley was a place dad really enjoyed. He even worked their way back in his batchler days. ( Spell check can't figure out Batchler and I am too lazy to look it up  Back then the only way to get to the resort was by train so that tells you how long ago it was. 
We met at the Boise Air port. My plane was late and he had plans to get to ketchum in time for the opening cocktail event for the accent skiers annual event. I think that is 60 and older dad was then 85 and had been going every year. He was a bit impatient and it was a pretty scary drive. I noticed his personality was a bit off from his usual. happy go lucky father I knew. I offered to drive but he insisted in a harsh way. At the time I had quit smoking for two weeks and was taking medication and on the patch. We made it in time for the event. He probably had two glasses of wine myself I lost track We stopped at the local store to get grocery's he lost the shopping cart. That was my first heads up that something was really wrong. I bought a pack of cigarettes. We drove to the condo again him not allowing me to drive and pulled into a walkway instead of the driveway he said he did it on purpose. More yelling and not being the happy go lucky pop I knew. We unloaded the car for the five day ski trip. I went out and smoked with the patch on.
My head started to really hurt and I had troubles falling to sleep apparently so did dad. I herd him telling Mariam I hope I can remember how to ski. I don't think I sleep all night. The next morning I woke up to more screaming my head was pounding .
The one thing I regret the most is that I packed my bags and $500 extra dollars plus a speeding ticket I was back at home. My step mom said I don't blame you . He skied every day that was his last ski trip.


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## krandall (Jun 11, 2009)

Hi Suzi,

I'm in the airport in Minneapolis between (delayed) flights, so writing this on my IPad. But I just wanted to say how sorry I am. My Dad is still in good shape, and my Mom passed away very suddenly over 30 years ago, but I was legal care provider for my great aunt when she was very elderly. even though she was not a parent, we were very, very close. The end was not fast for her, so I do know what you are going through.

My thoughts and prayers are with both you and your Dad.


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## Laurief (Nov 7, 2006)

Suzi, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have not had this kind of experience but if I were in your shoes, I would start writing.
I would write how I feel about him - how me makes you feel The warm emotions that you remember. Stories, that would make you and him laugh - ones from when you were a kid. Your favorite memory of him - when he did or said something. How you felt about him when you married, or had children -etc.
Take the letter with you, and read it to him - tell him all the things you remember, and why you love him so. and finally tell him that his job is done.
He has been the best Dad that anyone could have and you have been blessed to have him for so many years.
He will understand - it will be his permission to go. 

That is what I would do if it were me. And you will feel ok letting him go because you let him know everything that you feel about him and nothing was left unsaid. 

With that being said -again - I am so sorry for this, it must be extremely difficult for you


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

You guys are all so sweet :hug:


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## clare (Feb 6, 2010)

Dear Suzi,like many of the others on our forum I too have been through a very harrowing time when my dear father died,it was nearly 16 years ago,and like many of the others,I still think about him most days,but in a happy way now.I hope you and your family get through this with as little pain as is possible,but it is good to cry and let the tension out,and to talk about it to anyone who will listen.Sending loving thought to you and your family.


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## TilliesMom (Sep 30, 2010)

:hug: I'm so sorry to hear this news Suzi. I will be praying for you and your dad.
I lost my dad suddenly last November, he was 66. I hadn't talked to him in weeks... and our last conversation was about his new cell phone #, I was in a hurry, making dinner, kids were noisy... i pray that I told him I loved him... but I don't remember.
Spend this last time saying everything you ever wanted to say, and listening to him. I would give anything to hear my dad's voice, one last time. To give him a hug.
I don't think one ever 'get's over' losing a parent.


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## JASHavanese (Apr 24, 2007)

Suzi said:


> My Dad was given 3mo to live about a year ago. His heart is not pumping enough blood and it is slowly pumping less and less.He is 87 years old and also has Dementia.
> We went to visit him two weeks ago and noticed a huge difference enough to get Hospis back. We had them last year but he didn't need them. Any way the nurse thinks he only has about two weeks left to live.
> How do you tell a loved one it is okay to let go? He is not in good shape and it is time. I was thinking of doing our power of prayer our fourm does so well but I would really like to be their and I wouldn't want it to be so powerful that I would not have time to get their. Sounds silly ha. Do you think Death is harder on the ones left ? I hope my Dad is at peace.


Suzi my heart goes out to you and those who know your Dad. I went through this with my gf years ago when her uncle was one of the first to pass away from AIDS. Her Aunt and her Mother kept telling him to fight and my gf saw he was fighting to last for them. He wasn't doing well at all and had fought a hard battle already. My gf snuck in, talked to him, and let him know it was ok to go. And he did.
We want so much to hold on to those we love but are we holding on for them or us? We put a dog down because we love the dog but so many people fight for life when we would have let go of a dog sooner...and out of love.
Talk to him from your heart Suzi. God bless you...this is not an easy time


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## JASHavanese (Apr 24, 2007)

Suzi said:


> It is hard. A part of me thinks I had better start exercising quit smoking eat right live tell I'm 100. Dad exercised, didn't smoke, never had to take medication tell last may and he did love his ice cream It has been hard on him to loose his memory.
> It started about 3years ago maybe 4. He invited me to go skiing over in Sun Valley Idaho.Sun Valley was a place dad really enjoyed. He even worked their way back in his batchler days. ( Spell check can't figure out Batchler and I am too lazy to look it up  Back then the only way to get to the resort was by train so that tells you how long ago it was.
> We met at the Boise Air port. My plane was late and he had plans to get to ketchum in time for the opening cocktail event for the accent skiers annual event. I think that is 60 and older dad was then 85 and had been going every year. He was a bit impatient and it was a pretty scary drive. I noticed his personality was a bit off from his usual. happy go lucky father I knew. I offered to drive but he insisted in a harsh way. At the time I had quit smoking for two weeks and was taking medication and on the patch. We made it in time for the event. He probably had two glasses of wine myself I lost track We stopped at the local store to get grocery's he lost the shopping cart. That was my first heads up that something was really wrong. I bought a pack of cigarettes. We drove to the condo again him not allowing me to drive and pulled into a walkway instead of the driveway he said he did it on purpose. More yelling and not being the happy go lucky pop I knew. We unloaded the car for the five day ski trip. I went out and smoked with the patch on.
> My head started to really hurt and I had troubles falling to sleep apparently so did dad. I herd him telling Mariam I hope I can remember how to ski. I don't think I sleep all night. The next morning I woke up to more screaming my head was pounding .
> The one thing I regret the most is that I packed my bags and $500 extra dollars plus a speeding ticket I was back at home. My step mom said I don't blame you . He skied every day that was his last ski trip.


Ouch. I was very lucky with my Dad with nothing left unsaid. I read the book that's in the book review before we put the Havanese Horizons on the web. I would really suggest you read that book. I downloaded it to my iphone and read it in one day. I think it would help you resolve some of the feelings you're having. The book review is right under Oliver http://havanese.org/files/horizonspring2011allpages.pdf


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## LuckyOne (Sep 3, 2009)

I am so sorry Suzi. I am going through the same thing with my dear father right now. I am his primary caregiver and he is in at home hospice. He has pancreatic cancer that has spread and he is dealing with pain and depression and feelings of guilt. The situation that you are in is the toughest and it is hard on the loved ones who will be left behind. When my dear mother passed, I held her hand and told her how much I needed her, how much I loved her but I also told her that she could let go. She passed peacefully while my father and my siblings were all holding on to her. Tell him you love him even if you don't think he can hear you. He will.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

TilliesMom said:


> :hug: I'm so sorry to hear this news Suzi. I will be praying for you and your dad.
> I lost my dad suddenly last November, he was 66. I hadn't talked to him in weeks... and our last conversation was about his new cell phone #, I was in a hurry, making dinner, kids were noisy... i pray that I told him I loved him... but I don't remember.
> Spend this last time saying everything you ever wanted to say, and listening to him. I would give anything to hear my dad's voice, one last time. To give him a hug.
> I don't think one ever 'get's over' losing a parent.


 Tammie, I'm sorry that happened and so young. You kept it to yourself here on the forum Here is a big hug:grouphug:
I postponed my trip for next wed I put all my ducks in a row to be able to spend as much time as I need. My cousin has opened her doors to letting me bring one of the sisters not sure if I will. Although Zoey will need to be groomed as her hair is getting long and I cant trust her dad to do it. My brother is heading up tomorrow and is going to let me know if I need to come sooner.
Again you guys are like my best friends thanks


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## irnfit (Nov 21, 2006)

Suzi, so sorry you are going thru this with your Dad. I went thru this with mine in 2005.


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## TilliesMom (Sep 30, 2010)

Thanks for the hugs Suzi ... like I said it was sudden and I still haven't fully accepted it, I typically try not to share too much online. It was a very personal and tragic time for me and my brother. I hope you get to spend as much time as you can with your dad!!


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## JASHavanese (Apr 24, 2007)

LuckyOne said:


> Tell him you love him even if you don't think he can hear you. He will.


I agree strongly with that. When Steve almost died a couple of years ago from an infection in the knee that went almost to the trunk of his body they put him in their terminal room which I hated and felt like they were giving up on him.
One of his roommates was a man that broke my heart. They brought him there to die and the doctor said he wasn't about to give up on him. I have to admire him for that...but anyhow, the niece of the man would come up and even though he was out of it, he knew she was there. I could see a HUGE difference in him when she was there. When she wasn't there, there was a horrible and loud rattle in his chest and that poor man moaned and moaned. When she was there he was quiet...no loud rattle, no moaning. 
The doctors came in one day and she and I had to go out. In the hall she said that she didn't think she was coming back to see him because she didn't think he knew she was there. I told her the difference between when she was there and when she wasn't and she was stunned....and she kept going to see him.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

thanks for sharing. And thank you Jan for the recommendation on the book. I will go look right now.  I only have bad feelings when I think about the trip most of the time I shove it. Fortunately Dad has been very good spirited and loving this past year. Never complains well he didn't want to ware depends or use a walker. He skipped the walker and now only for the last week has a wheel chair. We tell each other all the time how much we love one another. He has a great since of humor about his memory. I do wounder what he is really feeling. He can understand every thing we say he just cant get it out. yes and no work well.


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## Gableshavs (Jun 19, 2007)

((((Suzi)))) I'm so sorry, this is such a difficult time. I also went through this with both parents, Dad when I was 23 and Mom just 5 years ago, and it helped me greatly to meet with a hospice support group. We are your support group here on the Forum and send you lots of love. It really helped me to talk to others going through this very difficult time and to laugh and cry together.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

Gableshavs said:


> ((((Suzi)))) I'm so sorry, this is such a difficult time. I also went through this with both parents, Dad when I was 23 and Mom just 5 years ago, and it helped me greatly to meet with a hospice support group. We are your support group here on the Forum and send you lots of love. It really helped me to talk to others going through this very difficult time and to laugh and cry together.


 Thank you Paula. 23 is very young to loose your Dad. That must have been hard on your family and Mother
I just moved into a 55 and older community most of the folks here are getting up their in age. Woke up to a ambulance across the street. I really wanted to go ask if the person had pets. What does the paramedics do if a person has a pets? Probably a good idea to post something on the refrigerator. I don't know why I just froze and didn't go ask


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## Flynn Gentry-Taylor (Jan 17, 2008)

Suzi, I was 13 when I lost my 32 year old father. I am so happy you have more memories than I do. I did not talk with anyone about it, probably my age, and all through my life it has been difficult to talk to anyone about painful events. So do talk, I think it is very healing and healthy...closing down is NOT!!!


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

Flynn Gentry-Taylor said:


> Suzi, I was 13 when I lost my 32 year old father. I am so happy you have more memories than I do. I did not talk with anyone about it, probably my age, and all through my life it has been difficult to talk to anyone about painful events. So do talk, I think it is very healing and healthy...closing down is NOT!!!


 I'm so sorry that your father passed away when you were only 13 

I talked to my step mother and asked her if she thought dad was scared. She said no why would he be. I have had problems with her and her 7 kids ever since dad was sick. I call them my evil step sisters and brothers. My step mom seems to live in a dream world she is about 84 and is really a nice person just does not think the way I do. Our family have gotten into some big fights over dad this last year. Her daughter some how got power of attorney Dad got his finances messed up and lost everything he had spent years borrowing for peter to pay Paul. By the time someone stepped in and looked at the bills it was too late. The condo on Queen Ann in Seattle was given back to the bank . I know that was hard for Dad. 
They found a low income senior apartment house near Green Lake and have been their for about 3 years now. January of 1010 I got a call that my step mom had been rushed off to the emergency and put in the hospital for congestive heart failure. Dad was left in the apartment by him self. Kelly the youngest of her kids went to check on him and found he had put his TV dinner in the oven with out taking the card board off he got their right in time.
I was so upset that we were not called to go be with Dad he was left for two days before we were notified. I drove to Seattle and spent a week my step mom was the one I was taking care of. While I was their I noticed that dad was having troubles with getting dizzy. Marium would say he is just out of shape and needs to get more exercise. Funniy she was rushed to the hospital for getting dizzy. 
Dad and I went on his usual walk around a small lake that was across the street he would have to stop and rest about every block. The evil step sister came over to talk about Dad being the cause of her mothers bad health.We decided it was time for them to look into a assisted living arrangement. Their was a social worker who came over along with therapist for my step moms recovery.I keep telling everyone I think dad has a heart issue. NO he is just out of shape. 
The evil step sister proceed to look for a assisted living situation in Seattle but because they would be on Medicaid it was hard. She said she found places but you would not want your Parents to live their. And we keep hearing how dad was to much for her to Handel. I told my family that all she was doing for dad was cooking and dad was doing everything else. I tried to get meals on wheels and asked if maybe with 10 kids and 7 living near to Dad we could all fix a weeks worth of dinner. I left with about two weeks of frozen homemade dinners.
A few months went by and we got a call on a Saturday that Dad had been rushed to the hospital for being dizzy the Thursday before. He was returned home. Within a day or two he was back in only brought to the Hospital where his doctors work from again the phone call was way after the fact. I was upset that no one called. we went that day and the cardiologist sat us down and explained what was going on. I am so bad at remembering what she said what I do remember is his left something is only working at about 20% and he could have a operation but with his age and dementia she didn't recommended it. And gave him about three mo to a year. He had a lot of fluid in his lungs. He was brought to a place close to his wife for extended care recovery. We were their with him the whole time. And spent a couple days trying to find a foster care place for dad to go to. We found two and one particular we liked the best. It was only three miles from his wife's apartment.
While we were there a meeting was planed to figure out what to do with dad. The place had a room with a big table because Merium has so many kids and all the spouses. So 14 of them and two of us. It was at this table that I lost all respect for my step moms family. I had no Idea that Kathrine had power of attorney and also power of his Medical. Behind our backs had already arranged for where dad was to spend the rest of his life. Convently was at the place he was already at only on a different floor. My sister and I had already told them their was no way Dad was going to end up at a place like that . I was sooooo Mad. They showed us his room a shared room with no window his roommate was on oxygen and it was load . Keep in mind that Dad was still able to get up and go to the bathroom still able to get dressed and take a shower amongst other things as far as we were concerned he was not ready for spending his last days in a place like that.
I later found out it was all about Money! I really dis like her family I don't think I will ever forgive them. My step mom was able to keep her tiny stash of money about $30.000 and her kids were not willing to dip into that to get dad settled in a nicer place tell Medicaid stepped in You have to wait a mo or so to qualify. The place we found was $300.000 mo had a private room with a deck and sliding doors so he could go outside and was not great but was way better then the other place. 
Their was one husband named Gary who was like the Mediator of the meeting he said maybe we should go look at what Gail and Suzi found This is after being told what bad kids we were that we didn't come to Seattle enough to visit that they were his real family. GER 
So much more to add to all the Drama of getting Dad settled in his new home. He did end up at the foster care Home my sister and I found. My sister now has power of attorney for his medical, and I have not seen or spoken to the evil step brothers and sisters.
I really feel like having my own celebration of life with all our family and not ever have to see that family again.


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## Flynn Gentry-Taylor (Jan 17, 2008)

Oh Suzi, you have been through a lot, and I hope and pray things will work out for your to have your own celebration of life with all your own family....Hugs and love


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

One more thing and I am done venting. While Gail and I were finding our Dads new home we found one that would take both of them. Her kids didn't want their mom their! She qualified for the Medicate because of her heart condition. Dad gets $50.00 a month She never worked a day in her live has her $30.000 stash and all of my fathers social security. We are only allowed to have him come stay with us 3 days out of the month. So we drive up and back and up and back It costs us about $300 or more to come visit on the weekends hotels ect not one of her family has offered to let us stay. We pay for all the extras to make his life easier. In all the 30 years they were married when we did come up did we get together with them. I had only met each one about twice. Dad although lost all his money added all 7 kids to his will and had only knowen the women a mo before he married her.!
We almost just brought him home my sister is a nurse and had two extra bedrooms. Dad when asked wanted to be near his wife. 
I don't have to like them and I never will. What would God say forgive forgive forgive.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

*He wen't to heaven*

 My Pop passed away yesterday early morning. My sister got a call from the Hospis nurce Thursday afternoon . My sister who is a nurse and asked his vital signs and thought we would be fine to wait tell friday to drive to Seattle. Later that night another call about his difficulty breathing . I told Gail lets go tonight. We arrived their at 1am to see that he had really gone down hill since the Sunday before.
We called Hospice and was given the okay to help him feel better. The locked cabinet had a kit that had been waiting for him for over a year. Five different kinds of medications. The Hospice nurse said to give him Morphine and Valium increase the dose after the first dose. 2 AM Dad was given is first dose we didn't see any noticeable change . The Morphine was suppose to help his breathing the Valium was to relax him. 3 Am the dose was increased as to the instructions on the prescription. We kept the Valium the same.
I was wishing we had some nice music and candles. their was a weird smell and the noise of the oxygen equipment was not at all peaceful. Dad was slightly up right with his mouth open as far as it could go his eyes closed each breath was very difficult. His longs were filling up with fluid and the breathing was getting more difficult. With no music Gail and I sang him every song from the sound of Music his favorite movie. We told him how much we loved him put worm cloths on his head. I asked Gail what else was in the kit Hospice had delivered a year before. 
4 Am third dose of Morphine, Valium and A third pill was given something for the fluid that had caused him to start chocking. 4:15 Dad opened his eyes his head was turned towards my side of the bed. We both said Dad your awake and again told him how much we loved him. He never blinked his color was changing. My sister called our step Mother and told her she was going to go pick her up that it was time. 
My father's eyes were wide open just staring into mine. Just the two of us were left in the room. I told him Daddy its ok to just fall asleep its your time Dad it will be peaceful. I chanted it over and over rubbing his cheek and kissing him .His breathing got less and less he looked peaceful. He wasn't struggling. The breathing stopped and I stopped chanting he took another breath I said Daddy go to sleep Its time Pop just be at peace I love you Dad. 4:40 Dad took his final breath.


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## Sheri (Oct 11, 2008)

Suzi, so sad for your loss. There are no words.


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

My Dad


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## The Laughing Magpie (Aug 20, 2009)

Suzy, It is very hard to let someone go. It is probably one of the hardest things we have to do and yet it is the kindest. I lived in India for many years and was really taken with their way of dealing with death. They will attend your illness but not your death, up until they breath their last breath and cross over loved ones are surrounded with friends, family old and young, that sit, laughing, talking and remembering life and favorite things. It is a time of touching, savoring this life until the final moment. They believe death is a journey as is birth, you take alone. I think it was very beautiful of you and your sister to spend the final moments with your dad. Remember that you too recieved a gift, he waited. So very sorry to hear of your loss. Hugs


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks Robbie, I was think the same thoughts. Especially about Birth and death. I have a few things I would do different. I would have made him a nice blanket to wrap him in before he was taken away instead of the plastic and had a pillow under his head.
He had most of his loved one visit within the past few weeks. His wife was their every day for over a year. He was only incoherent for about the last two weeks. Last Sunday he didn't talk at all tell we told him we had to go home he said why?


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## motherslittlehelper (Mar 18, 2010)

Suzi, I am sorry for the loss of your father. But I am so glad you were able to get there in time to be with him at the end. That is a great picture of the two of you together - such strong resemblance.


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## Julie (Feb 8, 2007)

:angel::hug: Suzi :hug::angel:

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I,like you stayed alongside my Dad's bedside,holding his hand and rubbing the hair on his arms till he took his last breath. It was so difficult to let him go and yet-I knew he had suffered and it was best.Looking back,as hard as it was,I am glad I was there.

You and your family have my deepest sympathies.....:grouphug:


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## misstray (Feb 6, 2011)

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## TilliesMom (Sep 30, 2010)

I'm so sorry for your loss Suzi. What a blessing both for you, your sister and your dad that you were able to be there in his final moments. My dad passed away suddenly in November and I will also be so sad that I never had that last chance to tell him I loved him, how important he is to me, that he was alone at home when he passed away...
(((HUGS))) and prayers to you and your family as you journey through this tough time.


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## ShirleyH (Sep 13, 2009)

*Peace*

Suzi,

You were there and he felt your love. That is all that is needed beyond the absence of pain. God bless and remember the gift of his life in your life.

Shirley


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## irnfit (Nov 21, 2006)

Suzi, I am very sorry for your loss. I experienced my Dad's passing much the same way as you. As hard as it was to say goodbye, I was glad I was able to be with him.


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## Flynn Gentry-Taylor (Jan 17, 2008)

Susie, be at peace knowing you were there. We always think of things we could have done, such as the blanket, but your arms and singing hugged him in a warmness much better than any blanket could have ever done. Just realize the last words he heard were the songs from you that carried him to his rest. He didn't need that blanket Suzie, he had you. God Bless.


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## Kathie (Jul 31, 2008)

I think Flynn said it all! I am so sorry for your loss, Suzi, but you will always feel blessed that you were with him to the end. You and your family will be in my prayers - I know how hard this is.


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## Hav Mom (Dec 29, 2010)

My deepest sympathy, Suzi. It was so good that you were able to be there with him at the end - I missed that with my Dad.


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## clare (Feb 6, 2010)

Dear Suzi,there are no real words of comfort,save the knowing that all your friends here on the forum are thinking about you, and praying for both you, and your father.But I am sure the fact that you were able to be with him up until the very end will have helped your Dad and you.Your photos are very loving and moving,I hope your sadness is over shadowed by happy memories.


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## Miss Paige (Apr 4, 2008)

Suzi,

I am so sorry to read of the passing of your father. Just know in your heart that you did all you could to ease his pain and you were with him. I think him hearing you tell him it was okay to let go and be at peace was what he most needed to hear. My thoughts and prayers are with you & your family as you walk this final part of the journey-but do it knowing that you were a good daughter and did all you could.

Tender Hugs
Pat (humom to)
Miss Paige
Mr Roman
Ms Frannie (my true angel girl)
Ms T (for as long as she needs)


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## Suzi (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks to all my Havanese family your words and thoughts mean a lot to me.


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## Lizzie'sMom (Oct 13, 2010)

Suzi, I am so sorry about the passing of your dad. I am glad that you were able to be there and let him know how much you love him. Blessings to you and your sister.


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## dodrop82 (May 21, 2010)

Oh Suzi, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. I'm glad you and your sister made it to him in time. Wonderful picture of you and Dad! I'll keep you in my prayers!


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