# Hilarious: Funny Chili Story. Caution - it's is crude and has bad words.



## Mochi (Aug 16, 2007)

...I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely
going to sh*t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being
painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it,
the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement 2'.

Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I
appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by
my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I
was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit
me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in
a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was
to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but
then made me laugh.

Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take
care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted
from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. The bastards claim they're going to have to repaint
the store


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## Lilly's mom (Aug 10, 2007)

*Laughing massacer. We laughed until we died.* ound: ound: ound: ound:


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## Scooter's Family (May 23, 2008)

DH would love you! He makes chili, and other food, so hot he sweats while he eats it! He orders chilis from New Mexico and we can't even be on the main floor of the house while he cleans and preps them.

Too funny!!!


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## Scooter's Family (May 23, 2008)

He just read your story and laughed out loud!!!


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## Judy A (Jan 13, 2007)

Oh my......what can I say...ound:ound:ound: I've got to get ready for church now but I'm laughing too hard.... hope I don't recall your story during the sermon...


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## tikaboo (Aug 9, 2008)

*Here is another chilli eating funny, enjoy.*

lmao!!!!


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## Missy (Nov 6, 2006)

ound:ound:ound:ound:ound:ound:ound:ound:ound:
(and the forum will only let you put in 9 smileys)

I have tears in my eyes from laughing...I feel like a child, what is it about potty humour that gives you that deep down belly laugh every time. 

But Mochi, I read and re-read and saw no disclaimer..." a friend of mine gave me this story..." or "I got this e-mail" Or "this happened to a friend of a friend of friend..." all I can say is you are brave. 

oh by the way my DH is banned from Wal Mart too...story for another day.


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## Sissygirl (Aug 8, 2007)

Oh Mochi,

I am laughing so hard I am crying.


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## irnfit (Nov 21, 2006)

OMG!!!! ound: ound: ound: I really shouldn't be reading these at work.


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